The realm of the wee folk

Good evening!

Tired and a little worn down at the moment; I have been developing some sort of wheezy-lung condition over the past two weeks. It started with respiratory issues and a thoroughly blocked nose, right when all that wildfire smoke was drifting over our city and making the air opaque and orange. I have to wonder if that had something to do with it, but the smoke has been gone for about a week now and I still feel odd in the old airways. I called in sick today so I could have more of a chance to recover; might do the same tomorrow, though it does feel mostly better now. I went to the clinic and they're sending me for a chest xray just to make sure it's not pneumonia but the doctor said it's probably just a virus or infection of the upper respiratory tract.

I would love to have another day to rest, as I feel like today wasn't very restful for some reason. I guess because I had to do a huge pile of dishes, and then go out to the clinic, and then pick up a few groceries, and then come home and take the Fox to the same clinic so he could get the further tests ordered for his condition, and then come back home and make dinner. Kind of too busy for a sick day, eh? I'll see how I feel tomorrow morning, but I think I'd like to call in sick just to be sure I'm recovered fully. I hate calling in sick, but sometimes you just need a bit of extra time to rest. I know a 40-hour work week is normal, but for me it gets a bit much at times, particularly when my life is busy in other areas as well... and then I get run down, and then I get sick. Oh well... hopefully one day I will make enough money to only have to work part-time. I think time is more valuable than money. As long as I can get by comfortably I don't see the need to work so much that I feel like my other interests are being neglected. Time is such a precious resource...

Anyway! I have exciting news: I'm going to Faerieworlds this year! I've wanted to attend ever since I heard of the event a few years ago, and this year is finally the year it can happen. I'm super excited mostly for the bands that will be playing, three of which are some of my favourites: Woodland, Faun, and Wardruna. I feel like those three groups might never play at the same event again, and now is my chance to get there and experience it. I booked the time off work already, just in case, and I'm glad I did! I bought my ticket yesterday, and now I just need to book a hotel room. I will be driving down in our car; it's near Portland, Oregon, so it's about a 5-6 hour journey. I've always wanted to see Oregon... it sounds like a beautiful place, very woodsy just the way I like it. And still in "Cascadia", haha.

The Fox will likely be coming with me for the trip, but not attending the actual event. He'd like to, but it's probably going to be very loud, and loud music/noise makes his vertigo much worse to the point of crippling him. Not to mention the fact that he can't walk without holding onto me. However, he would still like to come along, and probably just hang out in the little town nearby doing some of his computer programming. We'll see how much he has improved by September and decide how to organize it then.

I've never really felt the need to attend a music festival before, but this one feels like it might just be my scene. I don't do drugs or particularly enjoy most types of music that are normally at festivals like Burning Man, and hanging out in a desert with a huge crowd of strangers who have nothing in common with me sounds pretty awful. However! After following the Faerieworlds social media for a while and seeing what kinds of things happen there (think spiral dances, drum circles, vendors that sell all manner of magical and fantastical things, and pagan folk music), I feel pretty drawn to it. At the very least, I sincerely think it'll be a great source of inspiration for my own creative pursuits. Even if I fail at making new like-minded friends, I think it'll still be good market research, so to speak, to see what other people are making and selling in the fantasy/mythology field. And it's in the woods, not the desert. There's another plus.

Plus, a lot of attendees seem to dress up for the festival -- whether as faeries, satyrs, gnomes, elves, green men... so many wonderful-looking and original costumes. I like original costumes that are based on a loose interpretation of some mythological creature rather than the kinds of costumes you might see at a sci-fi convention, which tend to be based on very specific characters from specific series. I find it allows for a lot more creativity and inspiration, for me at least. I don't think I'll be dressing up very much, as I don't know anyone there and it's my first time, but I am certainly going to enjoy seeing all the interesting costumes on display.

Speaking of me not knowing anyone there... well, I'm pretty nervous about that actually. I was kind of hoping to connect with some other newbies online before the event, maybe get to know some regulars so I have at least one or two friendly faces to find, but my post on the Faerieworlds Facebook page seems to have been deleted. I wish there were some kind of forum rather than just a Facebook page. Maybe there is and I just haven't found it yet.

Well, I might just have to take a deep breath and plunge right in. I'm not particularly outgoing or extroverted, so it's going to be hard for me to make friends to hang out with, probably. I'll have fun even if I'm by myself, but it would be nice to socialize a bit while I'm there, or I might start to feel like an outsider looking in. I want to be part of it. Maybe volunteering would be a good idea. If I really like it, I can try signing up as a volunteer next year.

Ooh, and one of my favourite pagan artists, Stephanie Lostimolo, is going to be there selling her work! I have two prints of hers that I still have yet to frame. It would be cool to meet her and tell her how much I admire her art.

Anyway. I feel very lucky that I have the means to go this year. Even if I'm a bit nervous about it, I still know it's going to be a great experience.

Hmm, what else... I've been doing my daily morning pages as part of The Artist's Way course. Haven't seen much difference in myself yet other than being particularly tired from getting up at 4:30am to do them before work, but these things need time to kick in. I'm a little behind on the other course material; hoping to catch up tonight before I go to sleep. The exercises include a lot of writing about events in my past that have shaped my artistic self, and writing down affirmations (which I've been forgetting to do, argh). And having an "artist date" with myself, which involves taking some time to do something for myself, just for the fun of it, like going for a walk in the woods, going to a favourite shop to browse for no reason, or whatever it might be. Sadly, my artist date for the first week fell through a bit. I planned to go to this locally famous new-agey bookstore that I've been hearing about for years. And I did, and it was great, but my friend who I was doing life drawing with beforehand decided to come along, which made my artist date invalid because it's supposed to be done completely on my own. Oops. I couldn't turn her away after she expressed interest in wanting to come along, though. And besides, I enjoyed having her there too. But I guess it doesn't count as an artist date since I was with someone else.

Oh well, I'll forgive myself for that and move on with the course. Maybe if I call in sick tomorrow I'll have a bit of a chance to do something else for myself. Lock myself in my room and do some playing with my tarot cards. Perhaps go visit that bookstore again and have more time to browse (it's full of all sorts of amazing things, from crystals to drums to incense to meditation CDs to hundreds of books on any eccentric topic you can imagine). When I was with my friend there I picked up a nice little velvety bag for my tarot cards, and an essential oil burner since I've wanted to try that for a while. I was tempted to buy a book on paganism too, but I still have a couple that I haven't even read yet so I held myself back from that. At least until I run out of reading material.

Anyway... that's a pretty long blog post, about as non-coherent as usual, ha. I'll leave it at that for now, and hopefully the next time I post I'll be in excellent health again instead of this weird wheezy-lungs run-down state! Goodnight, dear readers, if you exist!

Short update

Merry meet,

I almost feel like hiding my last blog post, because I don't want that friend to read it! But then I remembered that I haven't made this blog public in my circles yet, so I guess if I ever do decide to do that, I'll just hide it then.

Why hide? Well, I do feel like it was a bit harsh, now that I've had more of a chance to cool off from it and we've pretty much repaired our friendship. As much as it ever will be, anyway. We still have very different ideas about some things, and she still refuses to consider other views besides her own... but that's just something I'll have to put up with if I want to preserve our friendship, which I realized that I actually do, despite the difficulty at times. We've had some truly good times together over the years and I don't want to lose that.

Anyway! On to the news of the moment.

I recently got a book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, on the recommendation of a friend and former classmate to whom I had mentioned my struggles with lack of inspiration. The book is meant to be a sort of way to recover your creative self, and has various tasks and things you can do to help rediscover your passion. I think this came at the perfect time for me. I do feel a bit like I have massive artist's block, so maybe it'll help.

The course includes doing some journalling every morning ("morning pages"). My first thought was to incorporate this into my blog here, but after some consideration I don't think that's a good idea. The book says the morning pages are for my eyes only -- and I'm not even supposed to go back and look over them, as they're just stream-of-consciousness brain dump type things.

So, that might mean my blogging isn't as frequent -- not sure! Oh well. I didn't make any goals for this blog anyway, it's just for fun, so that's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

I haven't made much progress on my own art since last time I posted. I said I was going to make a list of projects to do, but haven't really done that yet. Partially I've been busy with work and family things (big family event coming up this weekend, family is visiting from all over the country for it!), but partially... I don't know. Just that same lack of motivation I guess? But I have been doing informal research, looking at a lot of different kinds of art that I like and that inspires me, and looking at how these artists do their stuff. Mainly researching fantasy artists as that is the area I think draws me the most.

I'm going to concentrate on the Artist's Way now and see if that helps at all. I think it will!

I'll keep this short and stop there; slept in a lot today (I'm on vacation for 6 days on account of family events!) and I want to get outside for a walk and maybe run a couple errands before evening falls.

Until next time!

Difficult friendships and plans of forward motion

Good morning!

Well, that felt like a long work week -- actually I did work 6 days in a row. I think what tires me out is not actually the physical work, it's the mental energy and social interaction required. That stuff is lethal! I'm coming to realize how introverted I am, and I'm not saying that to be different or trendy or special either. It's actually true. I know some people who go out dancing every night, or constantly spend time with friends -- constantly, as in, every day after work. I'm fairly sure I would lose my mind within a week if I tried to do that! That's ok though. I think it sometimes comes with being an artist type, although my mom is the same way and she's not into doing art. Perhaps it's genetic. I'm a genetic hermit.

Also, Happy Canada Day! I'm not doing anything special to celebrate... I'm kind of exhausted from the week I had and I would like to just recharge a bit. Last year we went to the Canada Day parade downtown, but we found it pretty boring, unfortunately. Compared to the St. Patrick's Day parade it was like a bunch of sleepy zombies trudging along half-heartedly trying to be enthusiastic. So this year I'm not bothering. If the Fox was fully recovered I might drag him out to Granville Island (local shopping district of artisans and vendors, one of my favourite places to go), but I think it's more likely that we'll both just lay low today.

Now, on to the news of the moment... speaking of the Fox, he's home from the hospital as of two days ago. Yay! They ended up removing his gallbladder entirely due to the risk of future complications with it. It went well though, and he's recovering nicely from that. Still has the vertigo from the other condition though. I really hope that one decides to go away soon, as he's been suffering from it (and off work) for almost a month now. However, one step at a time... I'm glad his recovery from the surgery is going so well!

My family has been wonderfully supportive the past week; my mom offered to drive all the way out here and pick up the Fox from hospital and deliver him home, as I had to work the day he got released. She then proceeded to do our dishes for us (I knew she would, though I told him to stop her!) and keep him company until I got home from work. I swear, she has not a selfish bone in her body. I feel so lucky so have such a wonderful lady as my mother, and such a great role model. The Fox said that he could see where I got it from, and I was flattered that I could even hold a candle to her levels of selflessness. Seriously -- she spent her Sunday driving, and even picked him up some Boost and jasmine green iced tea to drink during recovery out of her own money, and then proceeded to hang out with him watching FBI shows and having Skyrim cheats explained to her! My mom. Such a wonderful person.

As for myself, I've been over-tired the past week because I not only had to work, but also visited him for a few hours every day at the hospital. I have had very little time to even do the dishes, and didn't leave myself enough time to sleep (easy to do as I get up at 5am most days for work), so I've been stretched thin. But now is my weekend, so I'm going to get some good R&R in. Writing a blog post counts as R&R when I have a lovely cup of tea beside me and I'm listening to Dead Can Dance.

Anyhow, on to the grander scheme of things...

I've had some friend drama recently that I haven't mentioned. I guess I don't really want to write about it that much; I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret, or start spewing bitterness. But, let's just say that I have a tight circle of close friends, and one of them is a lot harder to get along with than all the others. Recently there was an issue between her and my boyfriend that got blown a bit out of proportion, and I sort of lost it.

In simple terms, she felt that he had been rude in some way and instead of addressing it directly she chose to stew on it for weeks, while making unfavourable comments about him to our other friends and indirectly insulting him in front of me. It was kind of a last-straw situation; I felt like this had been going on for too long, and I felt that she was handling it in the completely wrong way, and I also felt like I was extremely done with this sort of drama because it's absolutely not the first time she has caught on to a grudge and held it like a precious gem. (See, trying not to be bitter here, but it's happening anyway!)

Anyway... sigh. This also isn't the first time she has taken a dislike towards who I choose to have relationships with. She hated my ex upon meeting him, for some reason (still not quite sure why), and when he dumped me I think perhaps she felt like she had been proved right. The thing is, when she first met my Fox, she approved of him right away; it isn't until recently that she's taken up her dislike. I think it even started before the "rudeness" incident, and I really don't know why. So I've been feeling a bit like she obviously doesn't approve of my choices, and that really puts a strain on our friendship.

With my other friends, I know we don't have all the same beliefs, and don't necessarily make the same choices that the others would, but we are able to understand the concept of different choices being right for different people. For example, one mutual friend had been wanting to try dating a certain gentleman acquaintance of hers for a long time, but said gentleman was either clueless or uninterested. We all want her to be happy, of course, so we encouraged her to pursue it if she could. My own opinion was that she should ask him outright in plain terms if he wanted to go on a date, and get a straight answer out of him regarding his level of interest. That's my own tried-and-true method, heh. But she would have none of that. She said she was more traditional, that she would like him to ask her rather than the other way around. And as much as I think that is silly, I respected her decision, because I am not her and she is not me and everyone has their own way of doing things. I understand that she is not comfortable doing the same thing that I would do, and that's absolutely fine and it doesn't impact our friendship in the slightest.

Contrariwise, with the friend I originally mentioned, it's like she can only understand one way of doing things, and anything else is a dumb choice in her eyes. I could cite several examples, but to illustrate, she has a peculiar dislike of white-framed sunglasses, which I discovered when I bought some and wore them in front of her. I thought it was hilarious that she hated them so much for no reason other than their colour (they're just sunglasses), so I made sure to wear them as much as possible. That was all in good fun, but... then I realized that she extends this philosophy to everything in her life. Once she decides that something is bad/wrong in some way, it's bad/wrong forever and nothing will change her mind. You can see how it's hard to maintain a friendship like that, especially when I disagree with many of her views. "Her good opinion, once lost, is lost forever."

I have been friends with this friend for a long time, and I don't want to destroy our friendship, but when she casually said, "Men with long hair are lazy," a little something snapped in my brain. (Of course, the Fox has longer hair than any woman I know.) I told her that is a ridiculous opinion and demanded a reasonable explanation for why she held this view, and when she couldn't back up her claim with even a shred of reason I just got even angrier. Women with long hair aren't lazy, apparently, but men with long hair are automatically so? I felt like she was deliberately insulting my boyfriend in a sideways manner. I told her that if she had a problem with him she should address it directly instead of doing all this snarky nonsense at me.

Got even angrier when her "apology" was peppered with reasons why she was still right in the first place. I pointed that out too. I think we've worked things out for now, but apparently it's still bothering me, as I just wrote 6 paragraphs about the whole thing. I'm sort of afraid to post this, even though I haven't really made this blog public to friends and family... our little friendship circle is so tight that it would only make things incredibly awkward if her and I were to have a real falling-out. It's a struggle sometimes to deal with these sorts of things though, especially when they repeat themselves. I don't like drama in my friend circle! We've all been friends for too long to let anything ruin that, but... yeah, I guess I just felt like ranting a bit about it. How do you deal with people like this?

On to other subjects, readers, this is getting too intense for a nice relaxing morning!

I've accomplished a few important things on my short-term goals list, which is good. Got that illustration done for the family songbook, got my tarot cards read (now to practice doing it myself!), completed my application for college and got on the waiting list. Not bad!

Now, friends, there's something I need to confess. I have some things to work on as far as my procrastination/laziness/motivation goes.

I may be addicted to Facebook, first of all. Every day when I come home from work (or even in the morning before work) I pretty much get on there and start scrolling through my news feed. I don't feel satisfied until I've "caught up" with everything new since the last time I checked. I'm pretty sure that's an addiction, right? Ugh. I know it's not a particularly productive thing to do, nor is it particularly educational or mind-expanding. I have been watching a co-worker of mine (also an artist) post her art almost daily, and wondering why I can't seem to make that much art, too.

The answer is that I could, if I stopped doing other silly things (Facebook, for example, and just all the mindless internet browsing that I am so partial to) and started actually doing more art instead. I've started to wonder if I should stop using Facebook, but I don't want to really do that, as it's the only way I keep in touch with some of my friends and family. For a while, I managed to stop the news feed addiction, and I only checked my notifications (which is when someone comments on a post directly related to me, or mentions me in a comment, or sends me a message, etc). I think I'd like to try that again. It cut down on the time I wasted on the site while still allowing the useful parts to be useful.

I do acknowledge that I have procrastination issues, but I am also thinking that some of the problem is my stunted inspiration. Yes, I have been more inspired to draw lately than I have been in the past couple years, but it's still not quite back to where I'd like it to be. I'm using my artistic co-worker as a role model here; she seems to be able to sit down and have the images pour out of her. I used to be more like that, constantly drawing, but now when I feel like I want to do art, my thought process usually goes like this...

-Hmm, if I'm going to do art I need to work on that piece I promised to do for so-and-so, or I should make something that I can give as a birthday gift...
-Urgh, don't really feel like working on that at the moment, maybe I'll just draw for myself instead...
-If I'm going to draw for myself I should make sure it's something I can upload to my art sites, so it should be something related to scientific illustration (side note: I focused on this subject for a while but I want to start expanding again)...
-Meh, don't really want to do that either... maybe I'll just surf the internet for inspiration...

And that's when the time passes, as I'm looking at other people's art wistfully and wondering why I don't have a gallery filled with lovely drawings of dragons and fairies and why I don't have a collection of work that I can show off.

Perhaps what I need to do is sit down and make a written list of subjects or pieces that I'd like to work on. If I put the work into planning a series of paintings it might actually get done.

And that right there is why writing in this blog doesn't count as "mindless internet wandering." Sometimes I come up with good ideas to overcome obstacles when I'm writing about what I think the obstacles are and where they come from.

Maybe I'll do a bit of planning right now. Do a little inspiration-hunting and make notes. I really want to start completing series of works that I can start flogging on Etsy or at craft fairs. I know I have the skill, now it's just getting the ideas down... and attracting that muse again.

Perhaps getting dressed at some point today is also in order...