Blackouts and the wheel of life

Good morning, friends! The photo above was taken in Malvern, England, while I was on holiday there with my parents last year.

If you're interested, the plaque beside the sculpture reads as follows:

‘Malvhina’ sculpture by Rose Garrard 1998

This sculpture combines three themes proposed by local residents. Its form reflects ancient Celtic standing stones with spiral markings, Medieval religious statuary and Victorian Pre-Raphaelite imagery, suggesting three of the most significant periods in Malvern’s history. The Malvern spring water flows from a bronze disc where three circles interlink symbolising the sacred triple of the Celts, the Christian Holy Trinity and the three springs which combine here. The sculpture is named Malvhina after a Celtic Princess which some Victorian historians romantically connected with the meaning of Malvern itself.

Anyway. Because it was pretty much exactly one year ago that we were there, I've been fondly recalling my memories from the trip. I thought this particular photo would be appropriate for this blog...

So, my last post was 11 days ago. What's new since then?

We had a big windstorm here on Saturday. So big, in fact, that the power was out for thousands and thousands of people in the area... including us! When I got home from work that day we had no electricity. It's funny how it makes one realize just how much one takes it for granted that there will be light and working appliances and everything. I found myself automatically reaching for light switches even though I knew the power was gone. My landlord lent us a monstrous flashlight, and I had a little pocket one besides, so we managed ok for light. We couldn't use the stove, though, as it's an electric one... I was so put out by the idea of no evening cuppa that the Fox brought out the camp stove and I went out to buy some propane cylinders, and we made boiling water on that in the carport. Ha! It was for the novelty of it, too, if I'm honest. We've never used that camp stove before and it's brand new, so it's good to know that it works.

Anyway, the power came back on sometime in the night, luckily. Many more people were without power for much longer than we were. The Fox was saying how he enjoys blackouts, because they remind him of when his mom used to live in a remote cabin type house between farmers' fields in Alberta. I theoretically enjoy blackouts, but really, I just get annoyed that I can't go on the internet. I may have an internet addiction...

So, we spent the evening just chatting and playing around with his Nerf guns (well, that happens pretty much every night actually). It was nice, but... I still like having power better, ha.

Work has been the same as ever. I had a performance review yesterday which was generally favourable. The only thing I can improve on is the same thing that I can always apparently improve on... being more extroverted. What can I say? I don't know if I really want to try and change myself in that area. Being introverted (antisocial?) is part of what makes me unique.

In the context of the review, my boss did tell me that I don't need to change my personality or anything; they just like to promote customer interaction. Or customer engagement as they call it. I guess I am sometimes guilty of avoiding customers rather than actively trying to help people... ha.

Anyway, it's not a big deal. They have to think of something to tell you, and the rest of the review was positive: friendly, reliable, efficient, retains information well, etc. Things to make me feel good without getting a raise, in other words!

So work is still work, more or less. I'm looking forward to getting a spot in either of those two colleges I applied at. I realize that medical lab assistants still have to deal with the public, but at least they get a needle to brandish threateningly at their clients in case of any belligerence.

Saturday was the local Pagan Pride Day, which I was thinking of popping by after work, but as a result of the windstorm, trees were falling in the park it was being held in and they had to cancel the event. I feel bad for all the people who worked so hard to put the event together, and the vendors who dragged all their stuff out there only to have to drag it away again without selling much, I'm sure. Oh well, such is life sometimes. This Wednesday is the first pagan group at the Unitarian Church; which reminds me, I should call the organizer and find out what room it's being held in. I've never actually been inside the building so I have no idea where to go. I'm wondering how many people will be there and if they'll all know each other already and what kinds of things they'll be talking about or doing... guess I'll find out.

Oh yeah... I've sort of taken a hiatus on the Artist's Way. I abruptly decided that it wasn't worth it to get up at 4:30am every day to do these morning pages, especially when I can't see the use of them. I might just take a little break and then get back to it, maybe after Faerieworlds (which we leave for on Friday!!).

I've been drawing more the past week, which is good. Just doodles of little monsters and creatures and whatnot. I find myself craving watercolour and ink. If I have time today I'll do a bit of that, perhaps. I have quite a list of errands to run... and we are supposed to go visit the Fox's grandma, who might not have much time left by the sounds of things. Sad. She has dementia and things, so I don't know what to expect. It will be hard for him, I'm sure. I remember my own grandma eventually losing the ability to recognize me due to Alzheimer's. It's very heartbreaking to see.

Speaking of heartbreaking... well, there's been quite a lot of sad news in my circles lately. My cousins' cousins' dad (figure that family connection out) passed away the other day. He had been ill for a long time, so it wasn't entirely unexpected, but I think it was rather sudden, and of course it's still very sad. I always used to see him at family events. He leaves behind three sons and a wife.

Also, my cousin's husband's dad (again, figure that family connection out) has been diagnosed with a cancer which is both advanced and aggressive. When my mom told me, it was at our little family BBQ that we put together last weekend for our immediate families. I had to excuse myself to go make tea because I didn't want everyone to see me bawl! I managed to hold it together for the evening, but on the way home I just cried. (While driving. Not advisable.) He's been a part of our family for many years now and they're always at our family dinners and such. Of course, I hope the treatment works and goes well, but realistically I know that there's not a lot that can be done once the cancer has metastasized around the body.

And then there's the Fox's grandma. So, that's all pretty sad news. But death is a natural part of life... as sad as it makes us, we can't do much to stop it. It's just the circle of life in action. Without death there would be no life.

That's enough of that philosophical talk. What else is new?

We leave for Faerieworlds on Friday. I'm so excited! I actually dreamt about buying a Wardruna tshirt last night. Ha! I need to get some American currency before we go so I have a little spending money. I have to be careful... I know there will be a whole lot of cool stuff there that I'm going to want to buy! However, I need to control my spending and only get things that I really truly want. Like signed art prints from Brian Froud (who will be there!!), if he will be selling any. And a Wardruna tshirt, now that I've dreamt about it!

Well, I better wrap this up so I can go take care of the dishes and tidy the house a little. The Fox is sleeping in today (he hasn't been sleeping well due to the vertigo). He's applying for disability benefits from the government... we'll see how that goes. I hope he qualifies for them, because it would take a little financial pressure off. I still hope he's going to eventually get better. He has to call the specialist back now that they've done all those fancy diagnostic tests. Even though the results were inconclusive. It seems that they don't really know what's up with his balance system... not encouraging, really...

The next time I post will probably be after Faerieworlds! Until then.

Waiting around for what?

Readers! I've decided to start including a photo that I've taken with each blog post. I want to make it a little more visually interesting as well as a little more personal. So there's the first one... I took it several years ago when I lived with my friends in a 100-year old house.

On to the real stuff...

Sometimes I get the feeling I'm waiting for something. Especially recently. I know what it is... I'm awaiting the return of the all-important "inspiration." This is the whole point of me doing this Artist's Way course, right? To get my inspiration back.

But then... I have a funny feeling that it's not going to just snap back into place and suddenly everything is going to be all good. I've been thinking. Some say that the muse is the driving force behind their art, and some say they're divinely inspired or see their art in visions... well, that's the dream, anyway, but for me I think it's going to be a little different. I think I need to be the one to discover my inspiration, not wait for it to discover me.

The thing is, I'm waiting for something that's not going to happen unless I stop waiting and start doing art. Even if I don't feel inspired, even if I have no ideas, even if it's not going well or looks awful or for whatever other reason comes up that allows me to stop doing it. The universe helps those who help themselves, right? All this waiting to be inspired is only keeping me from continuing my journey into art. I need to learn to work without inspiration, and to allow it to find me along the way. Doing art is not magic; the magic is found in the act of doing art.

Well, now I've got that epiphany off my chest...!

I do have some ideas of things I'd like to draw, so I can't just sit around and wait until I feel like doing it. I need to start them, now. My muse can catch up later; I don't have time to wait around for her any longer!

It's always a good feeling to realize that your life is truly up to you to shape. Even though it's scary and looming and disheartening... I believe our lives are really in our own hands and we have the power to change them. We can't afford to leave it all in the hands of some faceless god or other sort of faith. It's the same as waiting around for someone else to solve things for you, or in my case, waiting around for inspiration to strike. If I keep on doing this, I'm going to be always waiting and never doing. And that would be a sad thing.

Yes, I have my faith, but in paganism, it's taught that we are the ones who are in charge of using the power that is present within ourselves and all around us. We don't pray to some other entity to please make this happen or that happen; we roll up our sleeves and make it happen ourselves! (A little offering to your spirit of choice doesn't hurt, just for good luck... heh.) In all the books I've read, it teaches that we have to take action in our own lives in order to change them, even as we pray to the universe for a little helping hand. We can't just expect things to happen to us if we don't take the steps to make those things happen.

See how philosophical I am sometimes? Hah. Anyway. That's my thought for the day.

In other news, it's been a while since my last post. I've changed a couple things in my life. Mainly, I'm dialling back my work schedule so that I'll work 4 days a week instead of 5. After listening to a friend's advice (not before getting angry at her about it; the truth can make you mad sometimes), I realized that 40 hours a week is just a bit too much for me at the moment. I've had health issues to deal with as well as a ton of extra housework due to my invalid Fox, and it's just been catching up to me a lot. I've not had much time to myself.

It's funny, because on the very day I was finally thinking about how to ask my boss if I could do a 4-day week, I overheard a co-worker saying how she wanted to work at least one more day a week. It was pretty good timing. I asked her if she wanted my Monday shifts and she said yes, so now I get three days off a week. I'm still considered full-time at 32 hours, which is good, because I want the benefits that come with being full-time. I'm going to have to be more careful with how much I spend, though. That's the drawback, of course. However, at this point I think focusing on myself and my self-care is more important than having extra money. I'll just have to be more frugal.

So that's a good change, I think. The Artist's Way book stresses the importance of having time to yourself, time to fill the well as they call it. Meaning, time devoted to just being, just doing whatever it is you feel like doing, whether that's going for a walk or playing a video game or organizing your room. I've been neglecting my personal time for a while and it hasn't been doing me any favours.

I've scheduled a doctor's appointment for tomorrow to hopefully look into why I've been so run down and all that too. (I've been getting every cold, feeling very tired, generally just not feeling well for more than a month.) I want to make sure I'm healthy and that these symptoms are just a result of being overworked and stressed, and not the result of some underlying condition.

What else... hmm... I guess that's all for the moment. Back to work tomorrow, but now my week seems more manageable. It's broken up into three days, then a day off, then another day, then my two days off. I plan to use my Mondays to catch up on all the housework, grocery shopping, etc. and also hopefully do some cooking and food prep for the week ahead so I can bring lunches to work instead of buying whatever's on the menu in the deli.

It's been a bit of a tough ride recently, but with a lot of good in there too. The Fox and I are doing well together and I value our relationship greatly. He's got his stuff to work on and I've got mine (in an artistic sense, I mean!), so we alternate between spending time together and giving each other space to do our own thing, which is important for me. Right now "my stuff" is only referring to little things like reading, writing in this blog, doing the Artist's Way coursework... but that time is still important to me. And I am going to integrate art into my life more, even if I don't feel like I'm ready. I'll never be ready if I don't just start doing it. That's my lesson right now.

Better be off to do some of those things, now!

Odds and ends

Well met, readers!

It seems I'm doing the exact same thing at the exact same time at a very similar place as I did last Sunday. Funny how that works! (I think this means I need to actually plan my Artist Dates better... my sort of go-to is to sit in a coffee shop and write a rambling, incoherent blog post, which is always fun, but one should diversify oneself a bit. Next week I have three days off (!), which took a little wrangling but I felt like it was necessary, as I'm in the middle of a 6-day week right now. So, perhaps I will take an entire day just for myself and go out into the wilderness or something. That sounds nice.

This is good for now. I'm at a bit of a hipster coffee shop on Main Street, drinking an iced tea because it's so hot out and I walked a few blocks in my black work pants. Phew.

So, let's see... I've been doing well with the Morning Pages, not sure how much they're helping, still. But I'm sticking with it! A little behind on the rest of the course work, but I'll catch up today with any luck.

I actually had a fun day at work today; felt a lot better physically than I have the past few days. I've had another cold (whee) but I think it's about gone. Hopefully I can stay healthy for more than a few days now. I discovered today that another of my co-workers, who works in the wellness department, is also an artist. I knew that J was (I'll just refer to them as letters, in case they don't want to be written about), but I haven't really talked to V much. But anyway, that's pretty cool. And there is yet another one in the produce department who actually just had an art show the other night (which I didn't attend because I had to go and collect some cardboard boxes to help my old friend out, as she is moving in September). So many artists, so much inspiration for me! My competitive side comes out when I meet other artists, which is good because it's motivating.

I've been thinking about my art a lot lately, probably because I'm doing this Artist's Way course and also because my friend K is trying to improve her art skills as fast as possible so she can get into animation and/or professional art of some sort. Her and I have been attending life drawing together whenever we can, which is approximately once a week (though I've missed the last two weeks due to weird work schedule and/or illness), and that also warms up my art muscles again. I realized it's been two entire years since I've really done any sort of regular productive art. (That's about when I stopped volunteering my skills for WWF... my lack of motivation was such that I couldn't even get excited about that, even though it's a cause I support. Plus they wanted more design stuff than art, and I'm not so into that part.)

Two years is a long time to go without doing my main passion in life, eh? But it's not the longest artist's block I've ever heard of. The Fox told me about this one video game programmer guy who had a ten-year artist's block resulting from some kind of burnout. Inspiration can be so delicate! At least for some. I think I have a good chance of getting my mojo back in order soonish though. I have high hopes for this Artist's Way thing.

As for the spiritual side of things these days... it's going well. I heard about this pagan group that's going to be starting up at the local Unitarian Church in September, and I'm really excited to go. The timing is perfect; I think it will be better to join a new group where people don't really know one another that well, rather than trying to become part of an already-existing group that already has established friendships and things like that. I'm hoping that it will have some sort of experienced leader-type person to kind of give the group focus. I'm still very new at all this paganism stuff, and I haven't really done any practical application of it yet (rituals and things).

My view on ritual, by the way, is that it is a form of meditation or prayer. Just to be clear. I don't want anyone thinking I'm going to be sacrificing goats over a fire or anything like that. In my eyes, it's pretty much the same as any other religious rite (Catholic communion is a ritual, and so is something as simple as lighting a candle in memory of a loved one). I think my mind would benefit from the meditative nature of ritual. If you consider it a form of meditation, then it could definitely have benefits for body and soul, as I think meditation has been proven to actually alter the cells of the body. Read that somewhere, can't remember where though.

So anyway, I want to get into that stuff more. I think that being in a group of other people doing the same sorts of things will help me to feel more comfortable in doing it myself. They are planning to meet twice a month, which sounds reasonable. I hope it turns out to be a good group! I'd better at least try a couple things on my own before then. I've been doing the tarot cards more lately; the Fox wanted to try it out, so I helped him do a little reading about his current programming project. Which actually turned out to be pretty accurate, so... there you go! I'll try again soon for myself.

I am getting a bit of a clearer picture of where I want to go with my art, come to think of it... I wonder if this is the Artist's Way at work? I've been thinking a lot about fantasy art and artists selling their work independently. I think what I'd like to do eventually is turn my art into greeting cards, prints, and that sort of thing, and try to sell it at different local shops and craft fairs and probably online as well. The thing is, I want to stand out from all the other fantasy art out there, as it can become sort of generic after a while. I think I need to develop my style into something unique, distinctive, and pleasing. Perhaps my "children's book style" is the way I should go... I was very happy with the last drawing I did in that sort of colourful, simple style. I did a picture of a dragon holding a heart-shaped shield for the Fox for Valentine's Day, and I really liked how it came out. I love working with ink, watercolour, and coloured pencils on smooth Bristol paper. It's just so pleasing to work with.

Perhaps I will do some more in that style. I want to just experiment for a while with different styles and techniques, while polishing up my skills, so that when I have a style I like, I can get straight into starting to create planned series. I'd like to do a zodiac series, and one based on the classical elements (earth, fire, water, air), and maybe one based on flowers or gemstones... I wonder if I can just draw a whole bunch of dragons based on those themes? They're basically my favourite thing to draw, so it would be fun. And they're popular in the fantasy circles. I am going to refer back to this list for when I need inspiration... it's funny what can happen when you just type and type and type...

Speaking of which, I should really wrap this up. I wanted to do a bit of work on my weekly tasks before I go home, because I have the tendency to just hang out with the Fox playing Hearthstone or watching House, and not do much in the way of productive things once I get home... heh.

I'm feeling good about the near future. This is good. Maybe I should go get myself another professional tarot reading to see what's in the cards now. Or, I could do it myself and save the money... though it was nice to have Tegan do it for me!

Hope all you non-existent readers are doing great, too! Remember, it would be really nice if you left a comment so I know if I have more than one reader (though my one reader is really great)!

Until next time!

Sleepy times

Well, friends, I'm fairly exhausted today. It's been a while since my last post... I've been pretty busy with work, household things and just random life stuff. This Artist's Way book has been a bit challenging to stick with. I don't seem to have a lot of spare time somehow. I am currently sitting in a coffee shop having my "artist date" with myself. I decided this week I would just sit in a coffee shop and write for a while, as I don't have much energy for anything really physical at the moment. I did consider going out for a hike, but that sounded too taxing for right now. I have tomorrow off for the provincial holiday, so perhaps I'll go out into nature then. That sounds like a good plan.

So, what's new with me? Besides being busy and sick... although I think I'm pretty much better from that mysterious wheezy-lung ailment. Took its sweet time going away though. This past Thursday was the worst; it was my day off, but I woke up feeling like a truck had run over me, stopped, backed up, and run over me again. Blargh. Since then I've been feeling better each day, apart from being tired. I'm not giving myself enough time to sleep, which is a bit of a problem, I know. It's probably the reason this illness has been drawn out so long. Getting up at 4:30 rather than 5 seems to make a noticeable difference! My goal for next week is to go to bed early enough to give myself 8 hours of sleep. I think it's the only way I'll survive my next work week; I have to work 6 days in a row coming up. It would have been 7, but my super-nice supervisor changed up the schedule for me on my request. I feel bad asking for days off (for some weird reason), though there are usually plenty of people to cover me in the deli department. I try not to call in sick for or change my bakery shifts very often because it's just me and the bakery manager in that department.

Anyway. To summarize that: work is tiring and I need to allot more time for sleep!

One of my best friends has decided to join the Fox and I in our journey to Oregon for Faerieworlds. I'm pretty excited about that, because now I won't be completely alone in a big festival (the Fox is coming for the trip but not the event). We've rented an adorable little cottage-style house in a little town nearby the event site for our accommodation. I'm so stoked! I love travelling, and I'm so excited about Faerieworlds and seeing Faun and Wardruna and Woodland live that I'm afraid I might have a conniption when we actually get there. Ha.

Last night my sister was in the city for a bachelorette party, so I offered to pick her up in town afterwards and drive her to my parents' house in the suburbs where she was staying the night. I probably shouldn't have, because it was much too late for someone who had to get up as early as I did, but it was worth it for the nice little visit I had with her in the car and at my parents' when we got there. I told her about Faerieworlds and how excited I am. I wasn't expecting her to be too thrilled, because it's a fairly pagan event and she's pretty Christian, but I was surprised when not only did she say it sounded like fun, but that my niece would probably love to go one day when she's a bit older. If me going to Faerieworlds becomes a yearly pilgrimage (I hope so!), then perhaps one day I'll actually do that.

My sister surprises me a lot these days at how accepting she is. I mean, she has never been hateful or bigoted in the slightest -- she wouldn't say a mean word about a slug -- it's just that she is very devoted to her Christian faith, and my interest in this sort of pagan-type stuff used to concern her (I think) a lot more than it seems to now. This makes me happy. I want to be able to be close with her and talk about things that aren't just small talk. Of course, her moving to Grand Cayman is going to hamper that a little bit in the near future... but, I've heard tell that it's not a permanent move. And this will force me to get better at staying in touch with people, hopefully. I feel so bad sometimes when I realize I haven't talked to certain friends in months and they were the ones who reached out to connec with me last. I really just don't notice how much time has passed and it doesn't occur to me to get in touch with old friends who have moved away or I just don't see as often. I think I tend to live in the present a bit.

Anyway! (Yes, I ramble a lot. This is my blog though, so... whatever.)

Today is the Pride Parade. Our city hosts the second-largest one in North America! I've never actually had a chance to see it, because I have had to work weekends for so long and it always happens on a Sunday. (Side note: a pet peeve of mine is when people assume that everyone gets weekends off. No. Poor saps like me who work in the service industry have to work whenever our place of work is open. And if it's not open, the people who work 9-5 Monday to Friday complain about it!) The plus is that I got to wear colourful clothes to work instead of my usual boring black uniform. So I'm currently wearing a green skirt, blue shoes, a coral shirt, and a rainbow necklace. No one can say I'm not festive. I've got some awesome gay/bi/trans/etc friends and they all deserve the same rights as everyone else, so of course I am fully supportive of equal rights for all.

If I weren't so tired (and it wasn't so hot out) I would walk home from here; it's a mere 30 blocks!! I've done it before, but it was a long, tiring walk and I don't think I'm up for it today. I'll just hop on a bus in a bit. Don't want to hang around here too long or the buses will be super packed from all the people going home from the parade. I think I'll pack up soon. Mostly I came to a coffee shop to write rather than at home because the sweet Fox has a habit of sticking fairly close to me at home sometimes. Not that I'm complaining, really... but I like my alone time, too. I can't blame him, as he's been at home almost all day every day for the past two months now. Must get a little lonesome (although to tell the truth that sounds pretty blissful for this introverted blogger).

Before I sign off, I want to consider what I had in mind for this blog when I started it. "Fruthark" is a portmanteau of "Fru" (my long-standing nickname) and "futhark" (from elder futhark, the name of the written language of Viking runes. I sort of had a plan to make it about my personal spiritual journey, as I feel like I'm really just starting out on this path of neo-paganisn and/or its relatives. And I do want to write more about that, but I also don't really mind that it's kind of turned into a stream-of-consciousness everyday sort of journal blog. It's fairly cathartic. Especially for someone like me who doesn't really tend to talk a lot. I express myself better through writing and art, not speech. Since I'm pretty quiet, people don't tend to pay me much heed, which is fine, but that also means no one really asks me about my life (excluding the Fox and my closest friends and family of course). Like at work, for example. I'm not very good at starting conversations and keeping them going. That's why I like being in the bakery department by myself, where I can just go about my work and only occasionally talk to others. When I'm in the deli, I tend to be excluded from the general conversation... which I don't particularly mind, as I'm happier listening than I am talking... but, eventually I do feel the need to express my thoughts somehow. So... blog! Where no one is forced to read it, but they can if they feel like following the random adventures of me.

I think that's all for now. I could just keep going about whatever goes on in my head, but it should probably stop before it becomes a saga.

I hope everyone who might be reading is doing well and enjoying life. If you are reading, please do leave a comment! Especially if you have your own blog where you write about your own life and happenings and thoughts and feelings. Those are the kind I like to read.

Farewell for now!