So do all who live to see such times

Above: a lovely scarlet macaw seen at a local conservatory the other week. Has nothing to do with the blog post, but it's pretty, so... yeah.

Good evening readers!

I was working on a post last week, but then got distracted after we got some bad news: my fiancee's disability application was declined by the government. He has been surviving off savings since he was forced to stop working in July, and we had been counting on him getting disability benefits as he is unable to do any sort of physical work due to his constant vertigo. However, now we have to come up with a new plan, and without delay! His savings won't last much longer, and I am not sure I can afford to pay the rent and bills all by myself.

I used to pay for our basement suite by myself when I lived here alone, but it was cheaper then because there was just me in it, and I also didn't have a car on which to pay insurance and gas and things. So costs have risen, but my income hasn't risen enough to cover those extra costs, I don't think. I have to admit I haven't sat down and worked out the numbers... I hate doing that stuff! But it might become necessary.

For now, I am taking all the shifts I can at work, and may start looking for small design jobs on the side, like logos and business card designs and whatnot for clients. I used to do a little of that here and there when I was in school and then after I graduated, but I really don't enjoy it. However, I guess I'm no longer in a position to say no to paid work if it's something I can actually do.

I have been looking over my old design portfolio to see if I can pull together enough to apply to in-house graphic design jobs. (In-house meaning part of an art or marketing department within a bigger company.) I think this is the only sort of design job I would be qualified for. I'm definitely no contender for ad agencies or design firms, which I would detest anyways. But I just might be able to swing an in-house design job. I had a few interviews after I graduated for such positions, and although I didn't actually get any of them, I think that being invited to have an interview is a good sign. I almost got one at a tool company, but they decided to go with someone with more experience... and I almost had a job as a book designer at a children's book publisher, which I was at the time very excited about, but I didn't get that one either. (It all works out in the end... if I had got that one I would have moved to Victoria and probably would never have met the Fox.)

Anyway! So I'm taking steps to try and get a better-paying job. Even though I don't really want to be in graphic design, it would be better than working at a grocery store. I don't hate my job, but it's not exactly fun either, and the pay is turning out to be not enough.

The bakery manager actually asked me the other day if I would be interested in taking on a bigger role in the bakery department, as she will be doing some organizational work on a company-wide basis. I assumed this meant a promotion, but now I'm not sure. I haven't heard anything more about it. I don't get to work with her directly any more unless it's inventory day and we're both there, or it's a Tuesday and the other girl is away. I should probably ask her what's going on with that though. If it is a promotion then it will most likely include a pay raise, so that would be very welcome. Even if it turns out to be a couple more shifts in the bakery per week that would be preferable. I like working the bakery better than the deli... it's more low-key, more organized, less customer service-focused, and I get to work pretty much by myself. Plus I'm more comfortable with my knowledge in that department. I'm forever being asked questions I don't know the answers to in the deli, partially due to a lack of standardized training in terms of our product knowledge. I still don't know which fritter is which.

Anyway... back to the original point... we're not destitute yet! The Fox is applying to a mobile game developer that I found on Craigslist. I've had good luck finding work for him on Craigslist before, ha. If that works out, then we'll be sorted. He can handle computer work because it's not very physical and there's not a lot of standing/walking involved, which are the main culprits for the vertigo symptoms to worsen.

Man... I am just sitting here blowing my nose and sneezing over and over. I've had such bad congestion for weeks now. Argh! It's like having really terrible allergies, except that whatever this is has lasted far longer than any allergies I've ever had. Plus it's not the season for allergies anyway. I'm beginning to think that there's something in our house that is making me congested. Invisible mold? Is there such a thing? I mean, it's sort of dusty down here, but I've lived here for years without problems up until a few months ago. Allergy pills do nothing, nasal spray does nothing. I might resort to one of those Netti pot things... though I don't like the idea of pouring water through my head... but, I'm starting to get desperate. I have woken up with a sore throat every single morning for weeks, because I can't breathe through my nose at all at night. At all. It just seems to turn into a cement block as soon as I lay down. It's very frustrating and uncomfortable.

Let's see... what else is now? I was doing really well with my personal art up until when we got the news about the declined disability thing. I've just been spending my time tending to my old graphic design junk and being stressed out about it instead of doing any art for myself. I feel like a dog who was running ahead and suddenly got yanked back to where I was by the tug of a leash. Too much time spent working and grocery shopping and cleaning and all those other dumb things that are necessary to survival. And with added pressure to make as much money as I can, I feel like I have to start doing those damn logos again for people. I would almost rather get a second retail job.

Now that I've been getting back into my own art for its own sake again, it's hard to care about doing art (or design) according to someone else's ideals. I think I'm more of a fine artist that way, as opposed to a commercial artist... I just don't care about the money, really. I actually proved that to myself recently. I randomly got a call from a graphic designer who wanted some illustrations for a project she was doing for her client. It seems that she picked up a business card of mine at our grad show (three years ago, mind) and just now decided to give me a call. I was rather surprised, as I only really ever got one client as a result of that grad show. But, she told me what she wanted: ten different spot illustrations to be put into an infographic on the subject of logging/timber/reforestation/wood buildings. Or something along those lines. Anyway, included in the ten subjects were three different buildings, and she wanted it done in a photorealistic style.

I'm not sure if she even looked at my website, but I have never drawn a photorealistic building in my life. For one because I haven't had reason to, and for two because it doesn't interest me, at all. I mostly draw wildlife and different little monsters and creatures, and fantasy stuff. Buildings? Yuck! It sounded horrible. I would have had a terrible time doing it. So, I responded to her and said that I would be happy to do the natural elements (the ones including trees and logs) but that I was the wrong artist to ask for the drawings of buildings. Even though I knew that I could probably garner a lot of money for doing it, and that I could probably figure out how to draw a building or two without that much trouble. But that's not why I do art! I don't know how the idea of having to make money with my artistic skill got so ingrained into my brain. I think it was maybe in high school, when I had to take those useless career planning classes. Every career that was suggested to me was in art. No one ever said anything about doing what you love because you love to do it; it was all doing what you love as long as you can make a living of it. Therefore I never considered having a career that was separate from my passion. It just wasn't encouraged! We were all supposed to reach for our dreams. Do they really think that their graduates are all going to be famous actors and rock stars and successful writers and Disney animators? Where are we going to get all the plumbers and janitors and receptionists and cabinetmakers and accountants? I ask you...

I can't start talking about that, because I could go on for hours and it's already 12:32am and I didn't get to sleep until 3am last night because of the congestion and then I woke up with a giant headache and totally dehydrated and had a rough day because of it...

I had better just go to bed now, actually!!

I'll be ok, readers. Just going through a bit of a hairy time at the moment...

Bright blessings! (Still feels weird to say that...)

Samhain / All Hallows' Eve

Above: sorry for the image quality... I took this on my phone. Little creekbed next to the golf course that we live beside!

Note: I wrote this post over a couple days, so if the continuum is messed up, that's probably why!

Hail and welcome, lovely readers! And Happy (belated) Hallowe'en... or Samhain, if you will.

On Sunday night my pagan group had its public Samhain (pronounced SAH-win or SOW-in) ritual. It was my first formal ritual, though we do cast a circle each regular meeting as well. There weren't very many of us there (pretty much just the regulars from the group, a few people from the Unitarian congregation and a new person who I think will be joining the group), but I was actually glad about that because I had volunteered to invoke the god -- which involved saying a few verses of what is essentially poetry full of imagery. I don't like public speaking of any sort! But I had volunteered because I want to challenge myself a bit, and the horned god is one of my favourite deities, or archetypes, if you will. Some might know him as Pan, the antlered, bearded fellow with goaty legs, the king of the forest. Of course, being in love with forests, I am drawn to such a character!

Anyway, that went pretty well, I think. My voice started to shake by the end of it, or so I felt. Haha. But it was nice, and probably good practice.

I'd like to kind of explain how it went, both for my own memory and for the benefit of my lovely readers who probably aren't familiar with such things! Sometimes when you hear the word "ritual" you think of a lot of spooky Hollywood nonsense, but really it's just sort of a structured way to connect with the different kinds of energy in the universe and try to work with them in a way that benefits you and others. No virgin sacrifice required... in fact that would be very against the pagan way!

I got there a bit early to help set up. We had four altars (just tables covered in cloths, with various candles and items on them) for each of the four directions/elements. North/Earth, East/Air, South/Fire, and West/Water. The altar for the North held rocks, leaves, chestnuts, and other natural things from the Earth; the Eastern one had feathers and besoms (brooms); the South had a Jack-o-Lantern, lots of red things; and the West had seashells and other things from the sea. There was also a centre altar to hold the candles representing the god and goddess, or the divine masculine and feminine, or however you want to picture those two aspects of the universe's energy. And finally there was an altar dedicated to the dead: ancestors as well as loved ones who had passed on. There were chairs arranged in a circle around the main altar.

We started by cleansing the circle, which involves using salt water and a brush made of rosemary (or any other leafy thing) to symbolically cleanse the space around us of any stray energies or personal stresses and worries that we want to dispel. (One of the ladies likened it to leaving your bag behind at the door; you can always pick it up again on the way out!) Then the circle is cast. (The "circle" being a sort of containment of energy both to hold the energy that we raise, and to protect us from outside energy.) They cast it around the whole building to enclose us all. This is done with use of an athame (ah-THAH-may), which is a little knife/sword, or you can also use a wand or stick of some sort. The tools aren't really mandatory, as the energy is perceived to be controlled/manipulated with our will and concentration, but they help a lot with visualization and in a symbolic way. In other words, you don't need a wand define a boundary of energy, but it could make it easier for your mind to help picture what you want to do. The caster walks around the circle with the athame raised and we all concentrate on defining the boundary.

Once that part is done, we move on to call the directions. Each direction/element is called, or invoked, and invited to come and be with us during the ritual. Our group always starts with East; I think it's traditional, but I'm not sure why. I think I would start with North if it were just me, but it doesn't make too much of a difference. They all get called. We turn to face the direction we are calling, and whoever is calling it reads out or says some words of invitation. Each direction/element is perceived to have characteristics and associations. North/Earth is associated with strength, wisdom, nature, stability, and our physical selves; East/Air, with the mind, intellect, thinking, clarity, and reasoning; South/Fire with passion, inspiration, love, motivation, and liveliness; and West/Water with emotions, feeling, and experience. After calling each direction, we light the appropriate candle on the main altar.

When the directions have been called and they're all hanging out in the circle with us, we move on to calling the god and goddess... the male and female divine, the lord and lady, etc. Basically, two parts of a whole. Each of us has a bit of both, no matter what our gender is. (This is like the yin and yang principle.) They are called in the same way we call the directions; with some verses or words to invite those energies into us and into the circle. We light the candle for the god and the one for the goddess after calling each one.

Finally we start in on the main parts of the ritual, the energy work, as it might be called. This can involve any number of varied activities depending on the season and purpose of the ritual. As this was Samhain, the time of darkness as we go into winter, we did some visualization wherein one member of the group sort of verbally led us through the different seasons of the year and how our lives change through the cycle of those seasons. We also did a cleansing ritual in which we concentrated on all the things we would like to let go of, or let die -- things that might be holding us back in life, like relationships that are unhealthy or old grudges or past hurts that we haven't got past yet. After thinking of all these things, we "blew them out" onto little pieces of paper, which we then burned in a small cauldron to symbolically release these things from our lives. As it's the time of death (leaves on the trees are dying and plants are withering as the winter comes on), it makes sense to send negative energy away into the darkness so we can spend the winter inwardly focused on the things we'd like to nurture and grow.

We sang a song/chant as we did this, which was very nice. I love singing with a group (it's the one thing I actually liked about the few traditional Christian church services I've attended). We sang another song as well just before the closing of the circle.

The last step was to pay homage to our loved ones and ancestors who have passed on. For this we headed to the altar of the dead I mentioned earlier, where there were a bunch of candles for us to light in memory of those loved ones. We said the names of all the ones we loved and remembered, to connect with their energies.

All this being done, we "devoked" the directions, and the god and goddess, and opened the circle to release all the energy we had been concentrating. And that's pretty much the whole thing! Afterwards we had snacks and mulled apple juice to drink, and had a bit of socializing time. Hopefully I didn't forget any parts.

All in all, it was a pretty good experience. Being the youngest one there by probably ten years at least, I do feel like I was sort of the odd one out, but I embraced it. I'm not afraid to spend time by myself, even at a public event! I did chat with some of the people there though. The new lady who I mentioned is a writer who had just returned from a 6-month sort of retreat on Bowen Island. Her descriptions of the forest and being in nature so much were amazing. It sounds heavenly.

We have another meetup tomorrow night, our regular pagan group meetup. This week we'll be discussing divination -- tarot cards and crystal balls and things. Divination isn't necessarily a mandatory part of being pagan, but it seems to sort of go hand-in-hand in some ways. I think it's all about connecting to the unknown energies around us, and there are many different ways of doing that. I see no difference between praying and ritual, myself, and I think tarot cards are just another way of exploring the natural forces that are present in the universe; or, the powers of the human mind and consciousness.

So anyway! This is a pretty long post already, so I'll just leave it at that for now! Not too much is new with me at the moment anyway; just working away, trying to find time and inspiration to get started on my art series that I want to do. I think my first series will be a set of four drawings of dragons for each of the elements. Now that I'm learning more about the associations between the four elements and the four directions, it seems like I should incorporate them into some art!

Since it's my day off, I am probably going to go play some Skyrim now. I've got some laundry going and a peppermint tea to drink, and it seems as if the Fox has it all set up for me... I hear the main Skyrim theme floating in from the living room...

Until next time, lovely readers!