Above: ok, this photo is from last year... but I have the same ornament on our "tree" (read: wind-swept pine branch stuck into a vase of water) this year, and it is the cutest ornament that has ever been made!
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Good morrow friends!
It's been 20 days since my last post!! Where does the time go? I have been too busy to do anything except work and attend the many different social engagements that tend to happen in December. Argh! It's so tiring for me to have more than a couple social things or events per week. I'm a wimp, ha. I don't know how some people do it. If I did this year-round I would go insane.
Not to say that they haven't been fun, because they mostly have -- it's just a lot to do in a short amount of time when you're also trying to get Christmas presents made and stuff.
Anyway! We've been doing alright. Keeping on keeping on, as they say. The money worries I mentioned in my last post are a bit lessened, because I got a promotion at work that came with a pretty good raise. Good timing! I'm now a "senior bakery clerk" (and there was much oohing and ahhing). Haha. I mostly do the duties of a senior clerk anyway (inventory, ordering, receiving, that sort of behind-the-scenes stuff), but now at least I'll get paid for it! Also, it comes with a brand new schedule... I'll work Tuesday through Saturday now, in the bakery department every day (no more deli). I'll be working 6:30am-3pm every day, which is really nice because it means no more evenings... but it also means I need to seriously get better at going to bed early or I will become very sleep-deprived.
Speaking of sleep-deprived, I have been so much that in the past week that yesterday I actually felt ill for most of the day, as it caught up with me. Argh. I had so many things to do after work almost every day last week, which results in me not getting to bed early enough (for waking up at 5am) and just being mentally and physically exhausted, and not having time to make my lunches so that I need to buy lunch at work, which generally means some kind of not-very-healthy food from the deli (mac and cheese, lemon chicken...) because that's the cheapest thing for lunch.
Also, heh, I have a dangerous lack of will power for someone who is working in a bakery department at Christmas time. Mince tarts, butter tarts, gingerbread, stollen, fruitcake... plus all the usual bits of cake and things that we have regularly... sometimes they don't sell before they expire, and then I usually end up eating some of the stuff. Or sometimes the different companies send us samples, and well, we need to know what our own products taste like, right? We donate the expired food that is still good to eat, but we are also allowed to take it for ourselves if we want something, so... yeah, I'm just a terrible person, basically. Long story short, I have a sugar addiction and it's been causing some unpleasant health issues! I have no one to blame but myself!
I am going to try and lessen my sugar intake... in the new year. Hee hee. I can't very well do such a thing over Christmas!! I was talking to one of my co-workers, who has allergies to everything under the sun (gluten, dairy, etc...), and she was saying that sometimes it's almost a blessing because it means she is less tempted to eat all those treats and things. I don't have allergies to any food, which is great, but my lack of willpower becomes a problem in that case! The consequences to eating poorly catch up with me more slowly because I am thin by nature, and no amount of whipped cream seems to make me gain any weight. I still wear the same size clothes as I did ten years ago.
But, I've been feeling so tired and gross lately (congestion and all that) that I think I might have to make some changes soon. I am less congested than I have been though, thankfully -- I think that nasal rinse thing helped some, or I got over whatever it was that was causing it. Hopefully my new schedule will make it a little easier to form a routine of grocery shopping and making my lunches so I don't buy stuff at work. I should try drinking more green tea instead of black tea with milk and sugar, too.
Hah, grand plans, eh? We will see if I actually do any of this!
I'm excited for the new year. 2015 has not been the best... lots of loved ones suffering from illness, or passing away... lots of health issues for the Fox... and the resultant money stress... sigh. But I think the new year will bring relief for at least some of that. The Fox is going to physiotherapy now, so hopefully that will at least help with the vertigo, if not completely cure it. Also, my family friend M might have some work for him. As I type this, he is over at M's house having a meeting to discuss it. Originally, he had asked me to be the one to do the work... but then I got my promotion, which took me to 40 hours every week (as opposed to 32 sometimes and 40 sometimes), and I felt like I would just shove my art progress backwards even further if I was spending all my time working on other people's projects.
That's a whole post in itself, actually. To put it as concisely as I can (I am very long-winded when I am writing, as you may have noticed): out of desperation for money to pay all the bills, I had put a call out to my circles for any side work that I could do, like small design jobs or whatever. (Note "out of desperation." I hate doing this sort of work -- even though I went to school for it. That's a whole post in itself, too!) As I mentioned in my last post, my family friend M contacted me first with some art commissions, which I agreed to (and have finished one of two now), and then with an offer of more steady ongoing work in the field of animation/video production for his business. We meet once or twice to discuss details, and at first I thought, sure, this sounds like something I can do... but then it started to sound more like an additional part-time job and less like the "here and there" casual type of work I was looking for. Additionally, I then got my promotion, which sort of made the money issue less pressing, so I was less keen to take on more work. I don't do well when I have no spare time. Also, he wanted it to be an exciting opportunity for me to "use my talent" and develop some skills that I would go on to use for other similar projects in the future. And I was sort of dreading that, because I thought it would be a one-off type of thing. It's not really a field I want to get into.
I really appreciated what he was trying to do. I know he sincerely believes that as a "creative person," I would be happiest and most fulfilled if I were to turn my skills and talents into income. After all, that's what society tells us. Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, they say! Well... I'm here to say that that is a lot of horsefeathers. I have tried the freelance thing. Hate it! I once made a website for someone. It was the most depressing work I've ever done.
To be perfectly honest, I have no interest in doing creative work for clients. None. Yes, I went to school for it. Everyone makes mistakes! I'm still paying for it (literally), don't worry! Ha.
I've talked about what I really want to do with my art, and it's becoming more clear to me as I encounter the types of things I really don't want to do with it. I need to get back to why I started to do art in the first place. It sure wasn't to make other people's projects come to fruition. I am happiest, I have found, when I work on my own, personal art. Art for art's sake, which maybe then I could somehow turn into income. When there's pressure to be creative for other people for money, it takes every bit of fun out of it, for me anyway. I know that some people thrive off doing that, and that's awesome! Power to them. They're going to be richer and more successful than me, and that's fine.
But you know what? I'm getting pretty tired of other people thinking they know what will make me happy, and what would be best for me. I know they mean well, but it's pretty patronizing. I mean, I've even told people straight-up that I just want to work on my own stuff while I work at a non-art-related job, and they still think I must just be saying that because I've failed to become a graphic designer/other such professional creative. Agh! If you do this to people in your life, readers, please re-think your assumptions! Sometimes, people "fail" at something because it's not right for them, not because they stopped trying. Sometimes, a career and a passion are two separate things, and that is ok. Please stop insisting that people follow their dreams and turn their passion into income. It's not always the best thing for everyone!! Just because society tells us that working a job just for money is bad and wrong, and that we should only do what we love in our careers, doesn't mean that we have to listen.
I'm not saying that following your dreams is bad, of course... if you really want to be a concert cellist, or an art director, or a freelance writer, or a special effects creator for blockbuster sci-fi films, then go ahead! I'm just saying that some people (like me) try out something (like being creative for money) and then realize that it's not for them, and the people around them can't deal with the fact that they've appeared to lose their passion, when really, they're busy working on discovering what their real path is going to be. I try to explain this over and over to people and they just. Don't. Get it.
Sorry if I sound aggressive or bitter, dear readers... this isn't directed at anyone personally! I know my family friend sincerely wishes to help me and I'm grateful and appreciative of his help. I guess it's also my own fault for not explaining myself clearly enough. I'm often too agreeable, and too eager to please for my own good. I should have just declined, instead of wasting his time. But then I'm worried I appear ungrateful or lazy... always worried about being polite, me!
Anyway... phew. Rant over for now. I have talked about this before, I know, but it hasn't stopped being a source of annoyance and struggle for me.
So, in the end, I was talking to the Fox about the whole thing, and we came up with the idea of him taking over for me. He has even more skills than I in the areas that M is looking for, and he sure has a lot more time and need of work than I do! He's got nothing but time, actually, and it's becoming hard for him to deal with being at home all day just feeling useless because he can't have a regular job. I have a friend who keeps trying to be helpful by suggesting all sorts of different jobs that she thinks he could handle, but really, she doesn't seem to understand the severity of this vertigo thing. She suggested him being a security guard -- he can barely stand upright for more than a few minutes, and even walking in a straight line is an issue. How in the world would he be able to do the job of a security guard? I know she means well, too, but I have tried to explain why these things wouldn't work and she still seems to think he's just not trying. Which is frustrating, because I shouldn't have to constantly justify his lack of employment when he has a debilitating illness that causes him to randomly tip over from attacks of vertigo (among other symptoms).
In fact, she hasn't been the only one to imply that he's some kind of freeloader and that they wouldn't be ok with paying all the bills. I have to ask, what kind of partner would those people be? Would they desert their loved one in their greatest hour of need because they don't think it's fair that they're doing all the breadwinning? I know of lots of couples where the man does more breadwinning than the woman, or the woman is entirely financially supported by the man (sometimes for no discernible reason), and for some reason no one says anything about that. It's like it's expected. But when the tables are turned, all of a sudden the man is a freeloader (even when he's disabled!) and why are you doing all the things and why isn't he trying harder and blah blah blah. What a lot of sexism that is. I won't have it.
This is turning into quite the ranting post, lovely readers! I'm sorry! But writing in this blog is sometimes my only outlet, because I don't really do so well expressing myself verbally, so I guess as soon as the lid is popped it all comes rushing out.
It hasn't been all bad, though. Just a bit of a busy/stressful period, which is sometimes necessary to sort the things you need sorted.
Anyway... what else did I want to say...? Yes, very long-winded I am... life, love, and art are all very complex, friends!
I haven't even had time to think about Christmas, much less prepare for it. I have managed to whip up a few batches of soap; not as many as I had been planning to, unfortunately. Hopefully I have enough bars to go around as gifts (haven't even counted or wrapped them yet). It's too late to make any more at this point because they need at least a week to cure, and preferably longer. I made a tiny little painting a couple weeks ago of a golden-crowned kinglet which some lucky soul is going to receive, but I haven't decided who yet. Maybe the Fox's family, as they don't have any Fru Originals yet, or perhaps my Nana because she is pretty much my #1 fan.
Tomorrow will be mainly devoted to Christmas gift preparation, I think. I also almost forgot about a dinner party that my friends and I have planned. Two friends are coming over from the island and it's probably one of the very few chances I'll have to see them over the holidays, if not the only chance. I also have to make something for a handmade Secret Santa gift exchange at work... almost forgot about that too... argh! The busy-ness never ends. I am so looking forward to the 4 days off I'll have after Christmas Eve Day. I'm going to try and avoid too many social obligations so that I can actually have some time to rest and relax after such a crazy whirlwind.
Oh yes, last night was the Yule celebration with the pagan group. We had been planning it for a while, and we had a pretty good turnout. The Fox even came along! This time I was the caller for the South (element of fire). I chose the South, as I think I mentioned before, due to its connection with creativity, motivation, and spark. All things I will need in order to get my art going in the direction I really want. I think I'm getting a bit better with the orating thing... I don't believe my voice shook at all this time. And I think everyone could hear me. Hoorah! The Fox enjoyed it; he said it was pretty much what he expected. We did a circle dance at one point, which he couldn't really participate in, but we put him in the centre of the circle along with an older lady who also presumably had mobility issues, and we danced around them so they could feel the energy flowing too.
Don't know if I'll describe the ritual in detail right now; this post is getting far too long as it is! But basically, Yule is about darkness and light, as it's the longest night of the year. It celebrates the rebirth of the sun, as the days will start to grow longer now and the nights shorter. It's also known as Midwinter -- the deepest, coldest, darkest part of winter, at which point things can only start to get better. Symbolically at least. I think we're in for some even colder weather coming up soon...
We cleansed the space and cast the circle and called in the God/Goddess and directions as usual. There was a guided meditation, where we all sat and listened to one of the ladies describe a sort of snowy journey filled with rich imagery and metaphor. Then was the circle dance/singing, and probably some other things that I've forgotten because I'm tired now (it's after 10pm... I started this post at 2pm and had to finish it later. We went out for ramen for dinner as a celebration because the meeting of Fox and M went well and it sounds like the work will be going ahead). But all in all, a good time was had by all! Met some nice new people, who may or may not turn up at our regular meetings in the new year.
I had better be going to bed if I'm to get all the things done tomorrow. I hope I sleep better tonight... last night I was more congested again and kept waking up with a dry mouth/throat.
Anyway! Hopefully this wasn't too long and boring and awful to read. I don't know if I'll be posting again before Christmas, so a very Merry Christmas and Happy Yule to all who may read this! I'm much looking forward to the good old traditional Christmas feast that will be had at my parents' house, with all the family... and eggnog... and hopefully those amazing mushrooms marinated in Italian dressing that my aunt sometimes makes...
To all a good night!
