What is a sleep

Good evening to all!

Well, well, well, today has been A Day. Note the capitals. That means scary things!!

It's not too horrible, but it could definitely be better. The Fox is in the hospital at the moment for gallbladder issues. Boo. Had to make an emergency drive at about 1:00am this morning because of his severe abdominal pain, which is usually not to be trifled with! We had a long wait in the emergency room, and more long waits for various different doctors and technicians to come poke and prod him and figure out what was going on. I realized at about 5am that there was no way I was making it to work at 6:30am, even if he did miraculously and spontaneously get better. I'd had only a couple hours of sleep (not that I'm complaining, I was glad I was there to help him) and anyway I wanted to stay and make sure he would be ok. Luckily, my boss is very understanding about most things, so she didn't mind me calling in sick for that. I will work on Thursday to make up for it (mostly out of guilt as I know we were having a hectic week at work and me bailing on her wasn't going to help).

I realized I've never actually been to the hospital that I can recall, other than when I was spawned (though I do have an awful long-term memory, so it could have happened when I was very young). It was kind of interesting to see how it all works, especially after watching a lot of Scrubs and House. Yeah, it's nothing like those shows -- at least, the hospital here is a bit of a dump compared to the nice, shiny sets on the shows. I know that's not fair, as those shows probably have a bigger budget for decor than our hospital does for employing staff. However! It was still slightly educational, as I have been thinking of work in hospital settings when I graduate from the medical lab assistant program...

Speaking of which! I am now officially on the waiting list! For as long as it takes... which could be up to two years. Hopefully I don't change my mind by then. I do admit I have had some nervousness about it after watching all these nurses and techies draw the Fox's blood for tests recently. Needles don't particularly frighten me, but nor do I particularly enjoy them. I'm hoping this is something that will go away! I take heart from a lab assistant I had once who told me that she nearly fainted the first time she put a needle in someone while she was doing her training. If she can do it, I can do it. Right? Right!

Anyway. I won't make this a long post because I am extremely sleep-deprived and want to go to bed as soon as possible. Just felt like making a couple of notes in case I don't get to it this weekend (my weekend, of course, being Wednesday and Thursday).

So, all in all, could be better... but could definitely be worse, and I am extremely grateful that it's not something more serious and that I am able to be there for my love.

Unrelated side note: apparently, the northern lights were visible in our city last night/this morning... of course, the one night that I am actually awake and out of the house, but also the one night in which we are dealing with a crisis! Sigh. I've never seen them! But, one day... one day. That sounds like a valid excuse to visit Norway to me.

Goodnight, friends, and sleep well!

Falling back into step

Good evening, good evening!

It seems I have missed a post for last week... I have been busy and overworked (or it feels that way).

So the staphylococcus poison is all gone, thankfully; now I just have seasonal allergies. The poor Fox has Labyrinthitis now, however. And yes, that is a real disease with terrible symptoms, mainly strong vertigo which can apparently last for weeks or months. Technically it's inflammation of the inner ear resulting from bacterial infection, viral infection, or just strong allergies (we're thinking it was all of his multiple allergies that contributed). He's been off work for a week and a half because of it. Alas!

It's been rather a challenge to keep up with all of the household duties by myself (he has barely been able to stagger around the house). I may have been cranky these past few days. I know he's in no condition to do any cleaning or grocery shopping or anything of the sort, but I remembered that I mostly do that even when he's perfectly fine. Hm. That may have been the cranky-causing thought.

But he does have a horrendously long commute to work, and longer hours than me, so I feel bad assigning him lots of housework. Mostly because he's got so much drive and motivation to work on his passion (game programming!) in his precious spare time. I hate to see a passion like that impaired by housework! Also, I am just a faster and more efficient dishwasher, so it sort of pains me to see him scraping away at pots when I could do it in half the time.

There is the matter of me having time for my own passion... but I have to admit even to myself that if I just stopped faffing around on Facebook so much, I would probably have the time to paint several birds a week. So I don't think I get to complain about not having enough time -- not until I stop wasting it, anyway. Ha!

Speaking of birds and art; one of the reasons for my recent sleep deprivation (I can go to sleep at the drop of a hat, and never wake up in the night unless something is very wrong, so for me sleep deprivation means that I have not had time for sleep) was that I had a deadline for some art. I made an illustration for a little family project my sister is putting together, and of course, being me, I sort of waited until the last minute. Well, no, that's not exactly true... I would have finished much sooner if I hadn't scrapped the first one. It just wasn't working out, though. I was trying to do a tree of life style image, but during the colouring phase it just started to look awful and I'm not sure why. So I needed to come up with a new idea and a new sketch, and get it done in a few days (during which I was, of course, working). Woo! The exciting life of an artist!

I say that, but it did feel good to work on art at night again. Hearkened me back to my university days. Oh, the days of much coffee and nights of glowing screens... the giddy joy that comes from pure exhaustion. I actually don't miss that part too much. But the art-making, I have missed.

I shan't post the finished product here just yet. I have blogs and such for art already; this one just wants to be for writing for a while.

The next step in my application for the community college is happening today at 1pm. The dreaded keyboarding test. As I type this I am attempting to practice touch typing without looking at the keys. It's pretty slow going; fairly sure I'm going to fail the test. Blargh! But failure is good motivation to practice, which I have not been doing... and the assessment fee is a non-refundable $30. Even more motivation! Ha.

I don't have time to go back and revisit my tarot card reading at the moment (I received an audio file of the whole thing from the reader), but I'd like to do that soon; re-listen to it, take some notes, share them here. I will share some observations about the experience though.

Tegan is the name of the lady who did my reading. She works out of her basement suite, in a nice little room set up with a table and decorated with crystals and candles. (In a tasteful way. It wasn't like walking into one of those little tents at a circus or anything. Very professional.) I was greeted by two adorable little dogs, which of course for me is an instant win. She sat me down at the table and gave me some lavender water to drink (I would love to know how she made it -- it was nice and refreshing).

We went through a few different spreads in the hour I was there. The first one was sort of a general look at any current events and trends in my life, and the subsequent ones were focused on more specific questions that I had.

It was a fun experience, and if I were a wealthier lady I would do it more often. Now, being of a mostly scientific mind (I know, I know, a scientific mind would just think it's a load of tosh, which is why I specified mostly scientific -- allow me to have a little fun!), I am not 100% convinced that the cards are completely accurate. However, I do believe in a sort of life energy, and part of what attracts me to the whole pagan-magic-new-age-stuff is the belief that we can learn to use this unseen energy. Perhaps the cards are random, and we divine what we want to see from whatever comes up, relating it to our life... humans are good at finding patterns and seeing faces in tree trunks and that sort of thing, after all... or maybe our energy does slightly seep into the deck and helps to reveal insight. Anything is possible!

If nothing else, it's just fun, dang it. Stop trying to deprive me of a little harmless fun in the form of my silly beliefs about cards.

So, all in all I liked it. I still haven't really tried out my own cards much, but I plan to. Once this application for the college is all sorted out I can spend more time on my little hobbies. And my big hobby, which would be art.

I've been thinking lately of how I can start to get my stuff out there more, build up more of a fan base and hopefully start to sell it in some form. Of course, one needs a more solid body of work than I have now, so I start there. I need to focus on one or two areas of subject matter, I think, and try and find a niche. Fantasy art is my first love; fairies, dragons, the like. It's a popular field, but I do think I can make my own work stand out. I need to work on developing a more cohesive style so that when people look at my work they can instantly tell who did it. Right now my online galleries are a bit of a mish-mash of old school assignments, random illustrations of animals and birds, and a little fan-art based on existing media. What I need is a clear direction to take my work to tie it together and create a solid base.

Right now the things that I love to draw are wildlife (mainly birds) and fantasy related stuff. Perhaps I can combine them...

Hmm...

Funny how just writing something down will sometimes spark an idea, isn't it? This is a good example of why I wanted to start a blog in the first place!

Well, this hasn't been a very cohesive post -- sorry about that. But that kind of it how my brain works. Maybe one day I'll learn to write posts that are more about one topic and less about whatever pops into my head at the time.

Last point: I would really like to build up my blogging network. If anyone is reading this, and you have a blog, or know of some good blogs in the subject of everyday-life sort of stuff, please do leave a comment! I'm not really interested in recipe blogs, product review blogs, or that sort of thing. I want to read blogs about people's everyday lives; their experiences, their dreams, their successes and their hardships. The only one I really know of is Letters from Launna, which is always fun to read.

I'm not doing this with the idea of making money from my blog (although if that happened I obviously wouldn't say no, ha). I would just like to have online friends again, people who like blogging for the sake of it. When I was a teenager I always had all sorts of online friends from various art-related or fantasy-related communities on the internet, and though nothing can replace having excellent real-life friends, I do miss the online connection a bit. It's easier to find people online who are interested in the same things you are (I don't have any friends in real life who are interested in neo-pagan stuff or anything like that), and it's just fun. So don't be afraid to leave a comment if there's anyone out there!

Until next time. Wish me luck on this horrid typing test...!

The slow return of the muse

Merry meet!

Look, I'm doing another weekly post! I astonish myself sometimes. This is a good sign, though, because it feels like I'm getting into a groove. Now I need to make more grooves in my life to get into, because there are some things I have fallen out of the habit of that I really need to get back into. Which brings me to a topic of discussion...

I am slowly beginning to wake up from my artistic hibernation (of several years or more). I'm almost afraid to type it, because I feel like somehow I'm jinxing myself. However! At the same time... this is going to sound slightly insane, but I do feel like some inner voice has told me recently, "You're not gonna escape being an artist, so you might as well stop resisting." Or something like that.

I admit the past couple years I have been resisting being an artist. But why, you ask? Such a waste, you say! Well, who can explain the inner workings of a Fru? I think I felt like I was being pushed into it by everyone around me, so much so that I wasn't even sure it was me who wanted to be an artist or everyone else who wanted me to be one. And you know, when someone tells you it's a waste that you're not using your talent, it kinda feels like they're telling you that you're a waste of life if you're not doing this certain thing. Which hurts, and doesn't even make me want to do it, simply because I (stubborn as I am) hate proving people right.

Not only did I have those troubling thoughts whirling around my head, but I also felt very uninspired. I didn't seem to have the same urge to draw and make art as I used to. When I did want to draw, I wouldn't be able to decide on a subject, or I would pick something and try it, see how rusty I was and how much my skills had deteriorated, and get dejected and give up.

This is still happening, for me, but the reasons I feel a little more inspired these days are thanks to a couple of good people around me who are going through similar troubles and managing to work through it and regain their passion. And, yes, I'm a bit competitive at times... seeing others' successes is good for me because it makes me want to do the same, even if it is through a bit of envy. I have to grab onto whatever motivation I can get, considering the past few years I have denied myself the opportunity to improve and pursue my passion.

I even stopped calling it a passion for a while. I felt like such a failure because of returning to working in retail after graduating from a creative education, that I didn't even want to call it a passion, because calling it that meant that I had stopped pursuing it, and according to society if you stop following your passion you're just a useless drone who gave up on their dreams.

Haha, bitter, eh? I'll try not to be. I've realized now that making a living is often a separate beast from following a passion. Especially if your passion is something like art. We all know it's hard to make a living as an artist -- especially when you go about it the wrong way, as I have been doing. Graphic design has nothing to do with my passion, and neither does doing editorial illustrations on random subjects I don't even really care about.

That doesn't mean I know exactly in what area of expertise my passion lies -- at this point I'm still trying to define it. I mean, I know I'm an artist. I know what I do like, and what I don't like. I know don't like working to other people's requirements. I know I don't like illustrating normal, boring, everyday life scenes for use in magazines or the like. I know I like fantasy and legend and nature and intuition and imagination. I know I like using watercolours, and digitally painting. Do I know how to make a career out of it? No. Do I even think I should? I'm not sure. Not right now, at least, hence the delve into medical lab tech stuff. The priority is getting out of retail, because that there is a soul-draining job and I might as well do something else a little more professional and lucrative as long as I'm still working on my passion. Even if I do find success (I should say when... when I find success) as an artist of some description, the rational part of me likes the idea of having a professional skill set of some sort so that even if I fall on rough times, I don't have to go back to working in a grocery store or a coffee shop (not that there is anything wrong with that -- it's just draining on me personally).

So you see, it is hard being an artist! See? See?

But I finally don't really feel discouraged anymore. I'm getting to be more at peace with my situation, and that means I can start to move forward rather than stay stuck in a little hole of jealousy and bitterness and failure. I can leave that behind and move forward and get my skills back up to snuff and do what I personally feel inspired to do.

On that note, I have a drawing date tomorrow with a new-ish friend. We are going to attend a life drawing session. This friend is a great one for me right now because she has recently realized she has a passion for art as well and is actively working on improving her skills (rather than going to art school -- an excellent choice to do it on your own, if I may say so myself). And that gives me a great motivation to improve my own skills... an art buddy. It's been a long while since I've had an art buddy. I had some in school of course, but many of them went into graphic design, and the ones who were more into the illustration type stuff like me... some of them went into different fields or dropped out of the program or I've just lost touch with, so I haven't really had someone to help me be motivated (and I have needed help in that).

The little competitive side also wants to keep up with her progress, because it would be secretly mad if she improved and I didn't! Rather a petty reason, but hey, I'll take it.

So, I have a long road of improvement ahead, as I really feel my skills have decayed quite a lot... but there's no giving up, because I know what happens if I do that. I'll just be mad at myself again.

And just to be clear, when I say "giving up," what I mean is me stopping doing art. (Is that a grammatically correct sentence? Doubtful...) I don't mean me stopping pursuing art as a career. I recognize that now as the only thing I can do to get back to my actual passion. There are plenty of well-meaning people who are still going to tell me to "do something with my art," meaning, become a goddamn professional artist of some sort because you're wasting your life doing things that aren't THAT, and I'm still going to want to throttle them, but now I can happily ignore them in the knowledge that I AM going to do something with my art -- it's just going to be the something that I personally want to do with it. Not the something that other people feel is right. I tell you I cannot count the number of times that people have told me to illustrate children's books. I've heard it so often it brings me into a fiery rage that burns like a chemical reaction inside my head.

Basically, I hate being told what to do. (Have you picked up on that yet?) And though I know they mean well, it's all I can do to grit my teeth and smile. I know they want me to be happy, but I just feel patronized when people make those sorts of helpful suggestions. It's like... well, yes, I have actually thought of that and it's not something that interests me at this present moment, so thanks all the same for bringing it up every time I see you...

I have to stop this train of thought before it derails itself and careens down into a dark chasm of sarcasm and spite. That would be less than pleasant for my poor unsuspecting non-existent readers. And myself too.

Gotta stop looking back, and start looking forward. Today is the start of my weekend, and I'm going to get some things done!

In more mundane news, I had a run-in with some staphylococcus toxin poisoning the past week. Whee! Yes, there was a recall on a particular brand of hummus that I had bought, and before I realized it, I had eaten most of the container. Whoops.

It was a really weird experience, actually. For the first couple days I thought it was just really, really bad PMS. I had super horrible headaches, felt dizzy and wobbly like I was on a pirate ship in a monsoon, and felt really disgusting in my innards. No actual vomiting or anything, but just a bunch of weird malaise that made me think my womanhood was actively trying to destroy me.

Then I figured out the thing about the recall, and was like... oh. Am I actually sick, or just a woman (heh)? Maybe this isn't PMS. Maybe I have been poisoned. I'd better do something about it. So I called in sick on Monday and went to the clinic (after feeling like death for four days and ignoring it). The doctor said that yes, those symptoms are consistent with staphylococcus toxins. He also said that since it's the toxin produced by bacteria and not the actual bacteria itself, there's not much you can do except wait it out.

He then proceeded to take my blood pressure, temperature, pulse, and listen to my heart in such rapid and silent succession that I thought for sure he was going to suddenly start administering CPR because I was at death's door. (I got a little anxious there.) But it turns out he's just a business-like doctor, as most are, especially those in walk-in clinics.

Anyway, he sent me for some tests just in case. Blood test came back normal, still waiting on the other one (the nature of which it would be impolite to describe in detail). However, I'm starting to feel better -- the massive headaches have all but disappeared, and I did have some more dizziness yesterday, but I'm hoping that will go away soon too.

Exciting stuff.

There's more to talk about (my tarot card reading, which I had last week!) but this post is already way too long for the casual reader to even consider looking at, so I think I'll stop there. I have a mountain of dishes waiting for me in the kitchen (sigh).

Until next time, faithful ghosts!