Merry meet!
Look, I'm doing another weekly post! I astonish myself sometimes. This is a good sign, though, because it feels like I'm getting into a groove. Now I need to make more grooves in my life to get into, because there are some things I have fallen out of the habit of that I really need to get back into. Which brings me to a topic of discussion...
I am slowly beginning to wake up from my artistic hibernation (of several years or more). I'm almost afraid to type it, because I feel like somehow I'm jinxing myself. However! At the same time... this is going to sound slightly insane, but I do feel like some inner voice has told me recently, "You're not gonna escape being an artist, so you might as well stop resisting." Or something like that.
I admit the past couple years I have been resisting being an artist. But why, you ask? Such a waste, you say! Well, who can explain the inner workings of a Fru? I think I felt like I was being pushed into it by everyone around me, so much so that I wasn't even sure it was me who wanted to be an artist or everyone else who wanted me to be one. And you know, when someone tells you it's a waste that you're not using your talent, it kinda feels like they're telling you that you're a waste of life if you're not doing this certain thing. Which hurts, and doesn't even make me want to do it, simply because I (stubborn as I am) hate proving people right.
Not only did I have those troubling thoughts whirling around my head, but I also felt very uninspired. I didn't seem to have the same urge to draw and make art as I used to. When I did want to draw, I wouldn't be able to decide on a subject, or I would pick something and try it, see how rusty I was and how much my skills had deteriorated, and get dejected and give up.
This is still happening, for me, but the reasons I feel a little more inspired these days are thanks to a couple of good people around me who are going through similar troubles and managing to work through it and regain their passion. And, yes, I'm a bit competitive at times... seeing others' successes is good for me because it makes me want to do the same, even if it is through a bit of envy. I have to grab onto whatever motivation I can get, considering the past few years I have denied myself the opportunity to improve and pursue my passion.
I even stopped calling it a passion for a while. I felt like such a failure because of returning to working in retail after graduating from a creative education, that I didn't even want to call it a passion, because calling it that meant that I had stopped pursuing it, and according to society if you stop following your passion you're just a useless drone who gave up on their dreams.
Haha, bitter, eh? I'll try not to be. I've realized now that making a living is often a separate beast from following a passion. Especially if your passion is something like art. We all know it's hard to make a living as an artist -- especially when you go about it the wrong way, as I have been doing. Graphic design has nothing to do with my passion, and neither does doing editorial illustrations on random subjects I don't even really care about.
That doesn't mean I know exactly in what area of expertise my passion lies -- at this point I'm still trying to define it. I mean, I know I'm an artist. I know what I do like, and what I don't like. I know don't like working to other people's requirements. I know I don't like illustrating normal, boring, everyday life scenes for use in magazines or the like. I know I like fantasy and legend and nature and intuition and imagination. I know I like using watercolours, and digitally painting. Do I know how to make a career out of it? No. Do I even think I should? I'm not sure. Not right now, at least, hence the delve into medical lab tech stuff. The priority is getting out of retail, because that there is a soul-draining job and I might as well do something else a little more professional and lucrative as long as I'm still working on my passion. Even if I do find success (I should say when... when I find success) as an artist of some description, the rational part of me likes the idea of having a professional skill set of some sort so that even if I fall on rough times, I don't have to go back to working in a grocery store or a coffee shop (not that there is anything wrong with that -- it's just draining on me personally).
So you see, it is hard being an artist! See? See?
But I finally don't really feel discouraged anymore. I'm getting to be more at peace with my situation, and that means I can start to move forward rather than stay stuck in a little hole of jealousy and bitterness and failure. I can leave that behind and move forward and get my skills back up to snuff and do what I personally feel inspired to do.
On that note, I have a drawing date tomorrow with a new-ish friend. We are going to attend a life drawing session. This friend is a great one for me right now because she has recently realized she has a passion for art as well and is actively working on improving her skills (rather than going to art school -- an excellent choice to do it on your own, if I may say so myself). And that gives me a great motivation to improve my own skills... an art buddy. It's been a long while since I've had an art buddy. I had some in school of course, but many of them went into graphic design, and the ones who were more into the illustration type stuff like me... some of them went into different fields or dropped out of the program or I've just lost touch with, so I haven't really had someone to help me be motivated (and I have needed help in that).
The little competitive side also wants to keep up with her progress, because it would be secretly mad if she improved and I didn't! Rather a petty reason, but hey, I'll take it.
So, I have a long road of improvement ahead, as I really feel my skills have decayed quite a lot... but there's no giving up, because I know what happens if I do that. I'll just be mad at myself again.
And just to be clear, when I say "giving up," what I mean is me stopping doing art. (Is that a grammatically correct sentence? Doubtful...) I don't mean me stopping pursuing art as a career. I recognize that now as the only thing I can do to get back to my actual passion. There are plenty of well-meaning people who are still going to tell me to "do something with my art," meaning, become a goddamn professional artist of some sort because you're wasting your life doing things that aren't THAT, and I'm still going to want to throttle them, but now I can happily ignore them in the knowledge that I AM going to do something with my art -- it's just going to be the something that I personally want to do with it. Not the something that other people feel is right. I tell you I cannot count the number of times that people have told me to illustrate children's books. I've heard it so often it brings me into a fiery rage that burns like a chemical reaction inside my head.
Basically, I hate being told what to do. (Have you picked up on that yet?) And though I know they mean well, it's all I can do to grit my teeth and smile. I know they want me to be happy, but I just feel patronized when people make those sorts of helpful suggestions. It's like... well, yes, I have actually thought of that and it's not something that interests me at this present moment, so thanks all the same for bringing it up every time I see you...
I have to stop this train of thought before it derails itself and careens down into a dark chasm of sarcasm and spite. That would be less than pleasant for my poor unsuspecting non-existent readers. And myself too.
Gotta stop looking back, and start looking forward. Today is the start of my weekend, and I'm going to get some things done!
In more mundane news, I had a run-in with some staphylococcus toxin poisoning the past week. Whee! Yes, there was a recall on a particular brand of hummus that I had bought, and before I realized it, I had eaten most of the container. Whoops.
It was a really weird experience, actually. For the first couple days I thought it was just really, really bad PMS. I had super horrible headaches, felt dizzy and wobbly like I was on a pirate ship in a monsoon, and felt really disgusting in my innards. No actual vomiting or anything, but just a bunch of weird malaise that made me think my womanhood was actively trying to destroy me.
Then I figured out the thing about the recall, and was like... oh. Am I actually sick, or just a woman (heh)? Maybe this isn't PMS. Maybe I have been poisoned. I'd better do something about it. So I called in sick on Monday and went to the clinic (after feeling like death for four days and ignoring it). The doctor said that yes, those symptoms are consistent with staphylococcus toxins. He also said that since it's the toxin produced by bacteria and not the actual bacteria itself, there's not much you can do except wait it out.
He then proceeded to take my blood pressure, temperature, pulse, and listen to my heart in such rapid and silent succession that I thought for sure he was going to suddenly start administering CPR because I was at death's door. (I got a little anxious there.) But it turns out he's just a business-like doctor, as most are, especially those in walk-in clinics.
Anyway, he sent me for some tests just in case. Blood test came back normal, still waiting on the other one (the nature of which it would be impolite to describe in detail). However, I'm starting to feel better -- the massive headaches have all but disappeared, and I did have some more dizziness yesterday, but I'm hoping that will go away soon too.
Exciting stuff.
There's more to talk about (my tarot card reading, which I had last week!) but this post is already way too long for the casual reader to even consider looking at, so I think I'll stop there. I have a mountain of dishes waiting for me in the kitchen (sigh).
Until next time, faithful ghosts!
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