Reflections and intentions

Above: the seawall and a pretty sunset... taken some years ago, but appropriately showing some lovely reflection in the water.

Hail and welcome, friends!

Well, it's officially been a year since I started this blog (minus one day, but let's just ignore that). What lands have I journeyed across? I'm going to take a look into the past and see where I was last year at this time...

It seems I was pretty concerned with being clever with my words, ha. That didn't last too long. I think I must have been trying to emulate some of the really popular blogs out there -- the ones that post a lot of photos, recipes, DIY crafts, and other such more bite-sized and attractive content. (Nothing wrong with those, of course. I enjoy them as much as the next person.) My blog has evolved into something very different than that. It's more of a private thought-dump for my own self, rather than a carefully curated display of life-snippets for the enjoyment of others. Not exactly what I had envisioned (I admit, when I started the blog, I had a vague thought that it might become crazily popular and I could be one of those diligent money-making bloggers), but you know... I like it this way. It feels more natural and honest, which is important to me -- much more important than the blog being popular. In fact... I don't even think I want it to be particularly popular now. It's so personal!

It would be nice to have more commenters, just to see if anyone out there is reading this, and if they can relate in some way to the various happenings of Fru's life. But it's ok. I think the primary purpose of Fruthark now is to be a refillable vessel that can hold thoughts and ideas and worries until they're ready to be released.

I also talked about my new spirituality in my first post. That part of my life hasn't really progressed as much as I'd planned... I think partially due to the crippling of the Fox. Not only have I been a lot busier and concerned with day-to-day survival than I started out being in 2015, but for some reason I also find it difficult to focus on and take seriously if I'm not alone in the house; and I'm almost never alone in the house anymore now that the Fox can't work. I think I'm still a bit tentative about the whole thing. I've participated in some public rituals, which I never thought I would be doing so soon, but when it comes to the solitary practice, I have fallen a little short. Other things always seem to take precedence.

I have to admit that I could make time for these things. It's not impossible. For example, instead of my daily Facebook-browsing after I get home from work, I could take 15 minutes and read a bit of my pagan books, or do a little Tarot reading, or practice mentally invoking the directions, or research some ancient deities. It doesn't have to be something complicated. Probably even 15 minutes a day would help me progress and see where I want to go with the whole thing.

Perhaps another slight disconnect is conflicting opinions, in my own head I mean. I have always been simultaneously scientifically-minded and a believer in magic, so to speak. I know they don't usually go together, but for me they're both in there. So I'll do things like strongly support vaccination because of its scientific foundation, and then turn around and get my Tarot cards read. Ha! A mystery wrapped in a contradiction, that's me!

It becomes particularly evident because of where I work. The grocery store that is my workplace is known for being somewhat alternatively focused; organic, non-GMO, holistic and natural health products. As well, in the pagan scene there seems to be a lot of similar ideas. I've come across one or two conspiracy theorists in the process, which is a little worrying, but it's a good test of my ability to respect others regardless of their beliefs... almost too good a test, ha.

So on one hand, I like the idea of organic food, but I also have no problem with genetically modified food. I like vaccines and conventional medicine, but I also like essential oils and aromatherapy. I like the theory of evolution and the scientific process, but I also like supposedly paranormal phenomena and the idea that I can change things by the power of my mind.

This has been a little bit of a struggle to balance! Sometimes I feel like a fence-sitter. But I know there's no way I could cross over fully to one side or the other. I'm not alternative enough to refuse medicine in favour of energy healing, but I'm also not scientific enough to reject the possibility of unseen powers that be. Is it possible to be a skeptical believer? That seems to be what I am.

Anyway... so I guess that's another reason I've been a little lax in my "religious studies." I'm still trying to reconcile the two sides of my brain together. If you've ever read the webcomic Heart and Brain, it will give you an idea! (I recommend it, by the way... it's pretty endearing.)

I haven't found anyone else in the pagan community who seems to have this struggle. Maybe I should reach out to other spiritualities. Definitely I've heard the Christian perspective of having doubts. The Unitarian Church could be a good resource for this. I still haven't attended their regular service! Next weekend. I've been adjusting to my new schedule for the past couple weeks, so I'll forgive myself.

On the flip side, I have made some progression by joining the pagan group. I definitely feel more comfortable with ritual (at least, group ritual), to the point where I can now confidently call in a direction, sometimes even without having words in front of me. I know the directions/elements and what they represent. I'm still working on learning about the wheel of the year and all the festivals/celebrations included therein. I have a clear image in my head of what the divine masculine looks like to me, for some reason, but I'm still searching for my connection to the divine feminine (go figure). So it hasn't been a year of no progress... rather, a year of wondering and wandering, at least in that area of life.

Now let's talk about art!

I didn't really mention it too much in my first post, surprisingly. I think I was still somewhat distant from it, and turning my attention towards other things. I didn't expect to be able to reconnect with my passion last year, I guess. I'm not exactly sure what spurred me -- I think it must have been the Artist's Way book that I half-finished. (Maybe I should finish that!) That, and me seeing others around me grow and develop their own crafts while I sat there not doing that. For a while, I almost had myself convinced that I didn't have to pursue art, that I could simply decide to stop being "an artist" and start being a regular citizen. Haha! So much for that. One does not simply stop being an artist, apparently! I know now that it's not really a choice. Well, I mean, I technically could stop doing art, but I would not be myself anymore. I would be going down a dark path of denial! I have begun to believe people a little more when they say I have "talent." Earlier in 2015 I was hotly debating the very existence of talent as a concept. Now I know that while it's true that anyone can learn how to draw if they really, really work at it (it is a skill, after all)... they might still be missing that little something that brings spark and life to their art. Perhaps it's a gift, a passion, or a natural inclination, or even just being intrigued by it... whatever it is, I seem to have it, and it's not going away.

My plan to pursue a different career is still in place, though. I have finally worked out that career and passion can be separate, despite what they tell you in high school. There's no reason I should work at a grocery store for ten more years while developing my passion. I'll go back to school and get my job in medical lab assisting (hopefully); in no way does that stop me from also pursuing art. I have stopped listening to those who think I have "given up" because I'm no longer seeking a creative career. They are misled by society just like I was. There is something terribly wrong with a society that tells you to follow your passion at all costs (and that if you don't get a career related to your passion then you are a failure). Sometimes the cost is too high. I have no intention of being a starving artist or an artist with an awful day job. My "day job" is going to be something I enjoy and something better than retail (not that there's anything wrong with working in retail, if that's what you enjoy and are happy with!).

And besides... I was barking up the wrong tree anyways. (Graphic design and marketing, which are most of what I learned in school, have absolutely nothing to do with my own art and what I want to do with my passion. The illustration aspect of my schooling might have been closer to what I want, but even that was focused on working for others. I want my art to be mine; I want my creative work to be for myself. Otherwise I just feel like a literal tool.) I should have done more research into the field before starting that program... but it's all part of life and learning. There's no point in regretting it; without going through all that I might still be under the impression that I would be happiest if I were to work in a creative field for someone else, and now I know that's not true.

Will I one day turn my passion into a career? That's a question I can't answer. Definitely not for someone else's benefit, unless I share their vision. My vision doesn't include branding other people's companies and thinking up funny advertisements for products I don't care about. It also doesn't include drawing someone else's ideas and stories (i.e. commercial illustration). The whole point of my art is to portray my own ideas and stories -- I think. Haha. Still working that part out. But anyway, I think that it's possible my art may someday become my income. It would be nice, for sure, but I am aware of how difficult it is for an independent artist to become successful.

I think the YouTube channel idea will be a good test of whether I have the drive to turn my art into its own entity. My art's not going to get anywhere if I don't keep doing it, in any case, and so that needs to be my first creative priority... just doing art, getting into the habit of creating whenever I can.

That leads me to my next topic... setting intentions!

Unfortunately, I missed last week's pagan group due to a cold that I had caught, but the focus of that night was to be intentions, in keeping with the new year and all that.

The festival of Imbolc is right around the corner. This festival marks the midway point between winter solstice and the spring equinox. It is supposed to happen around the first stirrings of spring. And it can't come soon enough! I'm beginning to be depressed (not clinically, but superficially) by all this rain and gray weather and cold and early sunsets. I'm completely ready for the change of season. I know we might still have some wintry weather in the works (it's snowed in March here before!), but even the symbolism is encouraging.

Funnily, I've been doing some of the things that Imbolc represents without even realizing it. For example, spring cleaning. Lately I've been doing a lot of sorting and decluttering. I sold my bike (let's face it, I'm a lazy butt), and we have plans to get rid of a whole bunch of our dishes, as we have two or even three sets of everything... and we're trying to get rid of one of our couches to make space for other things. We're considering rearranging the house a little bit too; possibly making Austin's bedroom into an office for both of us. He almost never sleeps in his own bed anyways. If we're not in my bed, then he's on the couch because it's easier for him to sleep, with his vertigo, if there's something to lean on -- in this case, the back of the couch. He says if he sleeps on his bed then sometimes the dizziness gets worse because he has less of a frame of reference (a literal frame of reference, I guess). So, we might get rid of his bed, or we might put both beds in my room and both desks in his room to make one bedroom and one office. We do tend to keep each other awake, so we don't always sleep in the same bed, especially on my work nights.

Anyway, that all counts as spring cleaning, I guess... and the other thing to focus on at Imbolc is setting intentions and goals.

Heh, that is something I need to work on for sure. I still haven't kicked the Facebook habit, and my sort of plan of making one piece of art a week hasn't really been happening. I need to implement more self-discipline. I do need to remember, though, that I'm still human and need to take time for myself to just recharge.

I was reminded of this by a good friend recently by something she posted on her Facebook wall. She posted a quote, actually:

"When we sacrifice our own well-being in the hopes that our sacrifice will help someone else, we just get two people who are living sub-optimal lives." -- Kate Northrup

So that really hit home for me, because of all I've been doing for my Fox. (You know, housework, grocery shopping, all that stuff that he is finding difficulty with.) On top of my 40-hour work week, that is. Some people have homemaking as their entire job; for me it's my second job! (I know, we don't have kids, so it's not really that terrible... but it does get difficult sometimes.)

I need to take care of myself. That includes allowing myself time to "do nothing," that is, to take a mental and physical break. Doing my art is lovely, but it doesn't really count as a break because it's still mentally and a little bit physically engaging.

I did get myself a little treat last week, and bought a game called Hatoful Boyfriend, that I've wanted to play for a while. Just something for fun and fluff! Perhaps today (my last day off before the work week begins again), after I do some art, I will play a little of that. I also have to do some housekeeping in the form of cooking/food prep; I bought a million groceries yesterday and now I have meat to freeze and food to cook.

Anyway... how did I get on this topic??

Well, back to intentions... I feel like I need to set some concrete intentions if I'm going to get anywhere in my art this year. The idea of making art videos is fun, but it's not going to happen if I don't actually work at it. And if I want to make my art series start happening, I need to make some outlines for those. (Remember when I talked about doing some series that I can sell prints of? I still want to do that.) Finding motivation can be hard, but sometimes it pops up in unexpected places. A co-worker recently announced she'll be having an art show soon. I was happy for her, of course, but a part of me said, "Huh... why haven't I done that?" And why not indeed? The answer is because I haven't done the work necessary to have the ingredients for an art show. I need a solid body of work. For that I feel that I need to start doing these series. Or at least a bunch of art on a related subject. Which for me will be fine, because I've already decided I want to do fantasy art mostly. It's now just getting down to business, which is the hard part!

I'll think about a way to decidedly set these intentions. Tangible goals haven't really worked for me in the past... particularly now when my time is at a premium, I don't want to set myself up for failure by setting goals that may not get achieved due to time constraints or me overestimating my own energy and capabilities.

Maybe I can incorporate it into my pagan practice. A ritual for setting intentions? Something like that? I don't see why not...

Anyway, I had better stop typing. This is becoming ridiculously long, even for me.

Last topic: I had a good chat with a friend yesterday (via text, that is) about depression. Her situation is sort of the inverse of ours; she is having problems with what is possibly depression or some other sort of mental/psychological issue, and it's preventing her from working, so she is the one being supported by her spouse. It's sort of the inverse for me because I am the one supporting my spouse, who also is struggling with depression (as a result of his inability to work, I think, not as the cause of the inability to work, as seems to be her case). She reminded me of how much I am actually doing. Even when it feels like I'm not accomplishing anything... really, I am supporting two people, and keeping us fed and living in a mostly clean house. That itself is a lot to take on. So that's two people who have recently reminded me that I'm doing a lot and I deserve to take time for myself and relax as well.

I am so grateful for my friends. Without them, I wouldn't have an outside perspective, and I would probably feel like I'm not doing anything useful because I'm not progressing in my art as much as I would like... but I need to remember that day-to-day-life for me is already a lot to handle, and so I need to balance my remaining energy so that I can both practice my craft and take the time to recharge so that I don't burn out. If I burn myself out, I'm no good to myself or the Fox.

I was happy for our little chat. Also, having my own similar situation helped me to understand and empathize with her better. Previously, I really didn't know why she wasn't working -- I thought maybe she was just taking an extended break after graduating, and yes, the nasty part of me thought that maybe she was even being lazy -- but now I know that is truly not the case. I feel bad for thinking it. But, she said herself, she didn't even know what the problem was, and still doesn't exactly... she's going to see a mental health specialist, which is great. I can identify a little bit with her; though I didn't suffer from depression after I graduated, exactly, I was not in a good place. I had to move back in with my parents for a few months because I had no job and no money, and that itself was a blow to my self-esteem and independent nature... so I can understand how she feels being dependent on someone else, when she's always been just as independently-natured as I have. It's the same way the Fox feels, too. I told them they should talk about it together since their situations are somewhat similar.

And now I had actually better stop typing. I've been at it for over an hour and I have things to do! Shower, food, art, tea... this and that... a little more R&R before going back to work tomorrow.

Well, readers, thanks for joining me on my journey so far. It's been A Year, that's for sure... some good, some bad, some unexpected... but all part of the life experience. I hope you all continue to walk my crooked path with me in the coming year.

Hopefully next time I'll have some intentions set. I'll let you know!

Safe travels, friends.