The clarity of staying true to oneself

Above: An old photo, but still lovely! Taken several years ago at Quarry Rock.

Well, friends, it's been a while, eh? Sorry for the lack of posts... I have been mind-numbingly busy the past couple weeks. I know I said that in my last post too but it's still true!

Summer seems to be the time for get-togethers, special events, holidays and trips... recently I have been spending all of my time on a special father's day art commission for the Fox's family. I literally lost sleep over it for an entire week, as my only time to work on it was after work, and then it would stretch into the evening and I would end up staying up way past my usual bedtime, only to get up at 5am for work again.

You know what I realized? It really isn't worth it to take on so much. I was so exhausted I was almost ill by the end of the week. Yes, it was great that to see their faces, and to see the Fox's step-mom tear up when I presented it to her (it was a family portrait), but I shouldn't have taken it on in the first place. It was sort of fun, but not fun enough for me to justify driving myself to exhaustion. Plus portraits aren't really my thing. I'm not passionate about it, which makes it a drag to work on and rather uninspiring. She wanted one in the same style I had previously done a caricature of the Fox in, except with all 7 family members, so needless to say it was a struggle to even work the basic composition and sketch out. I have no experience (or interest, really) in drawing people in groups like that. I had to do research on compositions that photographers use to aesthetically pose groups of people; I had to carefully measure and plan out how big the figures would be on the paper; I even had to mock it up in my computer to get all the measurements right, and all this was before even starting the sketch.

By the time I was done I didn't want to draw another person in that style ever again! But, of course, everyone who saw it immediately wanted one for themself... I made sure to post a little note on Facebook about how I will not be taking on any more commissions for a while. Sure, maybe I could make some money doing this... heck, I could potentially turn it into a small business, if I polished the style a little bit and got some practice first. But really, it's not about the money.

I don't do art for the money. It's taken me a long time (literally years) to learn this lesson, and along the way I have spent a lot of time and effort and finances. Alas that I didn't learn it sooner, but, not everyone walks down a straight and narrow path! Besides, this way I was forced to figure out what is really important to me, in terms of my art and career I mean. The recent cold war with my "art rival" almost led me astray again, as suddenly art felt like a competition and a race to see who would be making more money or getting more recognition first. I am still working on shaking off the last of those feelings but I think I've succeeded, for the most part, in realizing that I was heading down a dangerous path by allowing it to become a competition. The only one I should be competing with is my past self, as I should strive only for personal improvement, growth, and expression.

What others do doesn't matter. The only thing that should concern me about my art is whether or not I am fulfilling my soul's purpose by doing it. I have finally learned to ignore people telling me to "do something with my art." (Invariably the "something" always means "you should be doing this full-time as your job.") I know that most people mean it as a compliment, and they're trying to say that they think my work deserves a bigger audience or whatever, but... well, frankly, it doesn't really matter what other people think I should be doing with my art. I only care that I am doing it in a way that feels right to me, and that has turned out to be:

• Not taking commissions
• Not trying to be more profitable or more recognized than anyone else
• Focusing on subject matter that is important to me
• Striving towards personal improvement in my art (anatomy, composition, techniques, etc.)
• Not trying to make it my full-time job, because that way lies stress and desperation
• Not listening to what others think I should do
• Sharing it with the world in a way that resonates with me

If I look back on my most recent oracle card reading (my last post), it pretty much tells me all the same things, which is sort of funny.

(Also, here's a good article that I found recently that sort of explains the same things in a more coherent way: Artists Don't Make Art With Other People in Mind.)

Let me clarify something real quick here... I don't think the cards themselves had much to do with the reading. There are so many possible interpretations of each of those cards that it really boils down to whoever is doing the interpreting. For me, tarot and oracle cards act as a sort of mirror, showing us what is already there inside our subconscious, that which we may have trouble admitting or we can't see clearly because the feelings are hidden by everyday life. They tell us things that we knew already deep down but couldn't see before for whatever reason.

In the same vein, I don't think they tell the future, exactly. They might give us a glimpse into what might happen if we continue on the same path, but it depends on our actions. Any power of clarity that the cards seem to hold really comes from ourselves. They just act as a prism, concentrating and refracting our thoughts and feelings and desires into something that we can better understand, through the use of symbolism, intuition, and imagery (which are ancient ways of communication, more so than language and logic).

Before technology and society and all that stuff, people relied on certain methods in order to understand the universe -- methods like ritual, song, dance, and intuition (a.k.a. instinct). Now that we have science and logic and organized society, we have all but forgotten these ways of interpreting the world around us. I'm not saying that science and technology are bad (far from it, I think they're a natural progression of humankind and have done a lot of good for a lot of people)... just that we've come to rely on them so much that we've forgotten our roots and lost our sense of wonder.

Art (or my art, at least) requires us to regain some of that wonder and go back to some of those methods. Same with music and dance and all the other activities that don't make logical sense. That's why I do it... to connect with the world in a very basic and instinctive way, which I think is healthy if we want to continue living on this planet without driving it to ruin. A society without art would be a very scary one, I think. It's part of what gives us compassion and makes us human.

Anyway...

Went off on a wee ramble there, sorry guys! The bottom line is that I just need to remember why I am an artist, and what I am trying to say with my art. I'm still figuring that last one out, but it's a life-long journey and I'm just happy to be on it.

I have exciting news!

So, you know how I was on two different waiting lists for school? And remember how I thought it would be at least another year before I got a spot at either of them?

Well, I got an email (on the day of the summer solstice and full moon, no less) from the school that is in my city -- I have a spot for this September!

It's funny, because things have been so crazy at work that I've almost stopped enjoying it, and there had been small hints of promoting me even further... which, actually, I was sort of dreading. To put so much more effort into a job that I honestly don't really care about very much (don't get me wrong, I always do my best and I have a strong work ethic about it), well, it would have started to get me down. I don't like being forced to care about something (who does?), and being promoted would have meant that I would have to start caring about numbers and sales and all that really awful stuff, when really I just want to do my job at the store and go home. It's just a job to me.

"But, Fru," you ask, "why is it going to be different with the medical lab assisting? Surely you'll just want to do your job there and go home, too."

But you see, I care a lot more about helping people in a way that actually makes a difference. Sure, it's a little bit gratifying to be able to help a customer find that certain loaf of bread or whatever... but in the end, it doesn't really matter. And on the flip side, when someone is angry with our service at the store for whatever reason (bread was stale, writing on cake was squished, we don't have enough organic gluten-free vegan non-gmo fair-trade options (yes, really))... it bothers me too much, because they can get unreasonably angry over it. As in, it's obvious that this is a deeply unhappy person who is just taking out their frustrations at their own life on me under the guise of our product being wrong.

And in the end, doing a great job at my job only means that someone else gets more profit. I get paid the same either way. I'm a little tired of working to line the pockets of the store owners; if I'm going to work hard at something, which I invariably do, I'd rather work to help people live better lives (i.e. by helping to make diagnoses of medical conditions).

Sounds a little harsh, I know. I guess it's what comes of working in retail for so long. To be fair, the store owners are generally good to us peons; just the other day I got a profit-sharing cheque, which many places don't bother with. So I do need to give them credit where credit is due. It's a good place to work, if you're going to work in retail.

I suppose the worst part about the job is having to cater to spoiled customers who think they're always right, or people who are shockingly rude over relatively small things. I have to pretend to be empathetic a lot of the time, like when someone is angry that we don't have a bread slicer and I can't therefore slice up that loaf for them (I'm so sorry that you have to cut your fancy $7 bread yourself, how utterly unacceptable and tiresome for you, such a bother, I definitely think you're justified in being so rude to me because of this thing I have no control over)...

Of course, if people are polite about these sorts of things, it doesn't bother me. But many people don't seem to realize that getting mad at me personally will not solve the problem; either that or they don't care, and they just feel like lashing out.

Will this happen in my new career? Probably. But I'll have a needle in my hand. ;)

Ha ha. Seriously though, I do know that people are always going to be angry and rude about small things; whether it's a customer or a client or a patient. But I think it'll be a little easier to put up with if I am doing work that I actually care about and chose for myself. Plus medical labs can have more reasonable policies about rude or disruptive clients, because (in Canada anyway) they're not for-profit businesses that rely on customers; they're essential services that people don't have a choice but to use. Therefore, if someone is being aggressively rude, it doesn't hurt the lab to kick them out -- it only hurts the person doing it, because then they can't get their blood tested there. More of an incentive to be polite, and more measures in place to protect the employees and ensure that common courtesy is observed.

There I go rambling again, I'm sorry readers!

Well, that's the news, anyway. Soon I'll be back in school full-time!

By the way, I am incredibly lucky to have this opportunity. Especially seeing as how I've already been to university and college and all that. My parents are so supportive of me that they have agreed to help me and the Fox out financially while I'm in school (because, of course, he hasn't got disability or EI or any income yet... thanks for nothing, government). And the Fox's mom has also offered to help. I know that not many people would have this kind of support. I feel like I've been given a second chance at a career.

This time I've actually thought it through, though, so I think it's going to work out a little better than the whole art-for-money thing. ;)

Last thing I want to talk about today is actually how useful my current job has been. I know that seems a little contradictory given how much I complained about it just now, but it's true. Never before have I had so much responsibility at a job, and I have gained a lot of confidence in my own abilities and capabilities. I know that I can handle a lot of busy work; I am pretty good at prioritizing and being efficient about different tasks; I can learn new things quickly; I am reliable; I can do my job even if I don't like some things about it. (I'm sure that my new career won't be all sunshine and rainbows, so it's important to be able to handle the less-awesome parts of a job.) My boss has given me many opportunities to grow because she is a good boss. I am going to miss her.

I actually left her a note for Monday informing her that I'll be going back to school in September. I was debating whether to leave a note or tell her in person, but I chickened out. Mostly because I know I would probably start crying like a sentimental fool and I don't want to put her through that, but also just in case she starts crying like a sentimental fool and doesn't want me to see. Ha ha.

We have worked very closely with one another over the past year and I think she's really grown to rely on me (well, she tells me as much every day). Other people at the store tell me she's never liked anyone as much as she likes me (and she has a bit of a reputation for being stern or hard to get along with)! I guess we just complement each other's work styles. So, it'll be sad to go. I'm hoping that she will still want me to work on Saturdays while I'm in school Monday to Friday, because that would be a bit of extra money for us to take some of the pressure off our parents.

I'm sort of dreading Tuesday when I return to work... I am not sure how she's going to react, actually. I have a feeling she might be grumpy for the next couple months... it's going to be difficult to find a replacement for me. At least I'm giving them lots of notice.

So, readers, lots of change and lots of new developments. It's been a hard year so far, so I'm very grateful that all this is happening now, so we can maybe turn our luck around sooner rather than later.

Another good thing, we get to go camping next month! We've booked a campsite a couple hours' drive away at a lovely provincial park with that good friend of mine who went to FaerieWorlds with us (and will go again this year). Yay! I was beginning to think that camping wouldn't happen this summer, as it's already almost July and I had not made any plans because of being so busy. But the universe smiled at me, and now we're going camping. Should be fun -- there will be a full moon one of the nights we're there!

Last order of business (I promise) -- I'm planning to make a new blog just for pagan topics and tarot readings and such. You know, what I originally intended this blog to be, ha. I'm getting tired of just spilling out whatever's in my head into this blog. I feel like it's not doing much good for my writing skills, and it's not prompting me to learn new things. It's helpful in other ways, so I'll probably keep this one around (maybe writing less frequently), but I would like to blog about things that might actually interest people other than myself!

I'll post a link once it's up and running. :)

Now I think it's time to get dressed and maybe work on my current art project, seeing as how it needs to be done by Friday. Yes, another deadline -- but this one was out of my own free will! It's going to be an entry into a local gallery show that is focused on a famously tame crow that lives around here and has his own Facebook page -- Canuck and I. I love drawing birds, of course, and crows are one of my favourites, so I'd like to enter.

Until next time, thanks for reading my random babblings, and hope you all have a lovely Sunday! Hail and farewell.