Short update

Merry meet,

I almost feel like hiding my last blog post, because I don't want that friend to read it! But then I remembered that I haven't made this blog public in my circles yet, so I guess if I ever do decide to do that, I'll just hide it then.

Why hide? Well, I do feel like it was a bit harsh, now that I've had more of a chance to cool off from it and we've pretty much repaired our friendship. As much as it ever will be, anyway. We still have very different ideas about some things, and she still refuses to consider other views besides her own... but that's just something I'll have to put up with if I want to preserve our friendship, which I realized that I actually do, despite the difficulty at times. We've had some truly good times together over the years and I don't want to lose that.

Anyway! On to the news of the moment.

I recently got a book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, on the recommendation of a friend and former classmate to whom I had mentioned my struggles with lack of inspiration. The book is meant to be a sort of way to recover your creative self, and has various tasks and things you can do to help rediscover your passion. I think this came at the perfect time for me. I do feel a bit like I have massive artist's block, so maybe it'll help.

The course includes doing some journalling every morning ("morning pages"). My first thought was to incorporate this into my blog here, but after some consideration I don't think that's a good idea. The book says the morning pages are for my eyes only -- and I'm not even supposed to go back and look over them, as they're just stream-of-consciousness brain dump type things.

So, that might mean my blogging isn't as frequent -- not sure! Oh well. I didn't make any goals for this blog anyway, it's just for fun, so that's not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

I haven't made much progress on my own art since last time I posted. I said I was going to make a list of projects to do, but haven't really done that yet. Partially I've been busy with work and family things (big family event coming up this weekend, family is visiting from all over the country for it!), but partially... I don't know. Just that same lack of motivation I guess? But I have been doing informal research, looking at a lot of different kinds of art that I like and that inspires me, and looking at how these artists do their stuff. Mainly researching fantasy artists as that is the area I think draws me the most.

I'm going to concentrate on the Artist's Way now and see if that helps at all. I think it will!

I'll keep this short and stop there; slept in a lot today (I'm on vacation for 6 days on account of family events!) and I want to get outside for a walk and maybe run a couple errands before evening falls.

Until next time!

Difficult friendships and plans of forward motion

Good morning!

Well, that felt like a long work week -- actually I did work 6 days in a row. I think what tires me out is not actually the physical work, it's the mental energy and social interaction required. That stuff is lethal! I'm coming to realize how introverted I am, and I'm not saying that to be different or trendy or special either. It's actually true. I know some people who go out dancing every night, or constantly spend time with friends -- constantly, as in, every day after work. I'm fairly sure I would lose my mind within a week if I tried to do that! That's ok though. I think it sometimes comes with being an artist type, although my mom is the same way and she's not into doing art. Perhaps it's genetic. I'm a genetic hermit.

Also, Happy Canada Day! I'm not doing anything special to celebrate... I'm kind of exhausted from the week I had and I would like to just recharge a bit. Last year we went to the Canada Day parade downtown, but we found it pretty boring, unfortunately. Compared to the St. Patrick's Day parade it was like a bunch of sleepy zombies trudging along half-heartedly trying to be enthusiastic. So this year I'm not bothering. If the Fox was fully recovered I might drag him out to Granville Island (local shopping district of artisans and vendors, one of my favourite places to go), but I think it's more likely that we'll both just lay low today.

Now, on to the news of the moment... speaking of the Fox, he's home from the hospital as of two days ago. Yay! They ended up removing his gallbladder entirely due to the risk of future complications with it. It went well though, and he's recovering nicely from that. Still has the vertigo from the other condition though. I really hope that one decides to go away soon, as he's been suffering from it (and off work) for almost a month now. However, one step at a time... I'm glad his recovery from the surgery is going so well!

My family has been wonderfully supportive the past week; my mom offered to drive all the way out here and pick up the Fox from hospital and deliver him home, as I had to work the day he got released. She then proceeded to do our dishes for us (I knew she would, though I told him to stop her!) and keep him company until I got home from work. I swear, she has not a selfish bone in her body. I feel so lucky so have such a wonderful lady as my mother, and such a great role model. The Fox said that he could see where I got it from, and I was flattered that I could even hold a candle to her levels of selflessness. Seriously -- she spent her Sunday driving, and even picked him up some Boost and jasmine green iced tea to drink during recovery out of her own money, and then proceeded to hang out with him watching FBI shows and having Skyrim cheats explained to her! My mom. Such a wonderful person.

As for myself, I've been over-tired the past week because I not only had to work, but also visited him for a few hours every day at the hospital. I have had very little time to even do the dishes, and didn't leave myself enough time to sleep (easy to do as I get up at 5am most days for work), so I've been stretched thin. But now is my weekend, so I'm going to get some good R&R in. Writing a blog post counts as R&R when I have a lovely cup of tea beside me and I'm listening to Dead Can Dance.

Anyhow, on to the grander scheme of things...

I've had some friend drama recently that I haven't mentioned. I guess I don't really want to write about it that much; I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret, or start spewing bitterness. But, let's just say that I have a tight circle of close friends, and one of them is a lot harder to get along with than all the others. Recently there was an issue between her and my boyfriend that got blown a bit out of proportion, and I sort of lost it.

In simple terms, she felt that he had been rude in some way and instead of addressing it directly she chose to stew on it for weeks, while making unfavourable comments about him to our other friends and indirectly insulting him in front of me. It was kind of a last-straw situation; I felt like this had been going on for too long, and I felt that she was handling it in the completely wrong way, and I also felt like I was extremely done with this sort of drama because it's absolutely not the first time she has caught on to a grudge and held it like a precious gem. (See, trying not to be bitter here, but it's happening anyway!)

Anyway... sigh. This also isn't the first time she has taken a dislike towards who I choose to have relationships with. She hated my ex upon meeting him, for some reason (still not quite sure why), and when he dumped me I think perhaps she felt like she had been proved right. The thing is, when she first met my Fox, she approved of him right away; it isn't until recently that she's taken up her dislike. I think it even started before the "rudeness" incident, and I really don't know why. So I've been feeling a bit like she obviously doesn't approve of my choices, and that really puts a strain on our friendship.

With my other friends, I know we don't have all the same beliefs, and don't necessarily make the same choices that the others would, but we are able to understand the concept of different choices being right for different people. For example, one mutual friend had been wanting to try dating a certain gentleman acquaintance of hers for a long time, but said gentleman was either clueless or uninterested. We all want her to be happy, of course, so we encouraged her to pursue it if she could. My own opinion was that she should ask him outright in plain terms if he wanted to go on a date, and get a straight answer out of him regarding his level of interest. That's my own tried-and-true method, heh. But she would have none of that. She said she was more traditional, that she would like him to ask her rather than the other way around. And as much as I think that is silly, I respected her decision, because I am not her and she is not me and everyone has their own way of doing things. I understand that she is not comfortable doing the same thing that I would do, and that's absolutely fine and it doesn't impact our friendship in the slightest.

Contrariwise, with the friend I originally mentioned, it's like she can only understand one way of doing things, and anything else is a dumb choice in her eyes. I could cite several examples, but to illustrate, she has a peculiar dislike of white-framed sunglasses, which I discovered when I bought some and wore them in front of her. I thought it was hilarious that she hated them so much for no reason other than their colour (they're just sunglasses), so I made sure to wear them as much as possible. That was all in good fun, but... then I realized that she extends this philosophy to everything in her life. Once she decides that something is bad/wrong in some way, it's bad/wrong forever and nothing will change her mind. You can see how it's hard to maintain a friendship like that, especially when I disagree with many of her views. "Her good opinion, once lost, is lost forever."

I have been friends with this friend for a long time, and I don't want to destroy our friendship, but when she casually said, "Men with long hair are lazy," a little something snapped in my brain. (Of course, the Fox has longer hair than any woman I know.) I told her that is a ridiculous opinion and demanded a reasonable explanation for why she held this view, and when she couldn't back up her claim with even a shred of reason I just got even angrier. Women with long hair aren't lazy, apparently, but men with long hair are automatically so? I felt like she was deliberately insulting my boyfriend in a sideways manner. I told her that if she had a problem with him she should address it directly instead of doing all this snarky nonsense at me.

Got even angrier when her "apology" was peppered with reasons why she was still right in the first place. I pointed that out too. I think we've worked things out for now, but apparently it's still bothering me, as I just wrote 6 paragraphs about the whole thing. I'm sort of afraid to post this, even though I haven't really made this blog public to friends and family... our little friendship circle is so tight that it would only make things incredibly awkward if her and I were to have a real falling-out. It's a struggle sometimes to deal with these sorts of things though, especially when they repeat themselves. I don't like drama in my friend circle! We've all been friends for too long to let anything ruin that, but... yeah, I guess I just felt like ranting a bit about it. How do you deal with people like this?

On to other subjects, readers, this is getting too intense for a nice relaxing morning!

I've accomplished a few important things on my short-term goals list, which is good. Got that illustration done for the family songbook, got my tarot cards read (now to practice doing it myself!), completed my application for college and got on the waiting list. Not bad!

Now, friends, there's something I need to confess. I have some things to work on as far as my procrastination/laziness/motivation goes.

I may be addicted to Facebook, first of all. Every day when I come home from work (or even in the morning before work) I pretty much get on there and start scrolling through my news feed. I don't feel satisfied until I've "caught up" with everything new since the last time I checked. I'm pretty sure that's an addiction, right? Ugh. I know it's not a particularly productive thing to do, nor is it particularly educational or mind-expanding. I have been watching a co-worker of mine (also an artist) post her art almost daily, and wondering why I can't seem to make that much art, too.

The answer is that I could, if I stopped doing other silly things (Facebook, for example, and just all the mindless internet browsing that I am so partial to) and started actually doing more art instead. I've started to wonder if I should stop using Facebook, but I don't want to really do that, as it's the only way I keep in touch with some of my friends and family. For a while, I managed to stop the news feed addiction, and I only checked my notifications (which is when someone comments on a post directly related to me, or mentions me in a comment, or sends me a message, etc). I think I'd like to try that again. It cut down on the time I wasted on the site while still allowing the useful parts to be useful.

I do acknowledge that I have procrastination issues, but I am also thinking that some of the problem is my stunted inspiration. Yes, I have been more inspired to draw lately than I have been in the past couple years, but it's still not quite back to where I'd like it to be. I'm using my artistic co-worker as a role model here; she seems to be able to sit down and have the images pour out of her. I used to be more like that, constantly drawing, but now when I feel like I want to do art, my thought process usually goes like this...

-Hmm, if I'm going to do art I need to work on that piece I promised to do for so-and-so, or I should make something that I can give as a birthday gift...
-Urgh, don't really feel like working on that at the moment, maybe I'll just draw for myself instead...
-If I'm going to draw for myself I should make sure it's something I can upload to my art sites, so it should be something related to scientific illustration (side note: I focused on this subject for a while but I want to start expanding again)...
-Meh, don't really want to do that either... maybe I'll just surf the internet for inspiration...

And that's when the time passes, as I'm looking at other people's art wistfully and wondering why I don't have a gallery filled with lovely drawings of dragons and fairies and why I don't have a collection of work that I can show off.

Perhaps what I need to do is sit down and make a written list of subjects or pieces that I'd like to work on. If I put the work into planning a series of paintings it might actually get done.

And that right there is why writing in this blog doesn't count as "mindless internet wandering." Sometimes I come up with good ideas to overcome obstacles when I'm writing about what I think the obstacles are and where they come from.

Maybe I'll do a bit of planning right now. Do a little inspiration-hunting and make notes. I really want to start completing series of works that I can start flogging on Etsy or at craft fairs. I know I have the skill, now it's just getting the ideas down... and attracting that muse again.

Perhaps getting dressed at some point today is also in order...

What is a sleep

Good evening to all!

Well, well, well, today has been A Day. Note the capitals. That means scary things!!

It's not too horrible, but it could definitely be better. The Fox is in the hospital at the moment for gallbladder issues. Boo. Had to make an emergency drive at about 1:00am this morning because of his severe abdominal pain, which is usually not to be trifled with! We had a long wait in the emergency room, and more long waits for various different doctors and technicians to come poke and prod him and figure out what was going on. I realized at about 5am that there was no way I was making it to work at 6:30am, even if he did miraculously and spontaneously get better. I'd had only a couple hours of sleep (not that I'm complaining, I was glad I was there to help him) and anyway I wanted to stay and make sure he would be ok. Luckily, my boss is very understanding about most things, so she didn't mind me calling in sick for that. I will work on Thursday to make up for it (mostly out of guilt as I know we were having a hectic week at work and me bailing on her wasn't going to help).

I realized I've never actually been to the hospital that I can recall, other than when I was spawned (though I do have an awful long-term memory, so it could have happened when I was very young). It was kind of interesting to see how it all works, especially after watching a lot of Scrubs and House. Yeah, it's nothing like those shows -- at least, the hospital here is a bit of a dump compared to the nice, shiny sets on the shows. I know that's not fair, as those shows probably have a bigger budget for decor than our hospital does for employing staff. However! It was still slightly educational, as I have been thinking of work in hospital settings when I graduate from the medical lab assistant program...

Speaking of which! I am now officially on the waiting list! For as long as it takes... which could be up to two years. Hopefully I don't change my mind by then. I do admit I have had some nervousness about it after watching all these nurses and techies draw the Fox's blood for tests recently. Needles don't particularly frighten me, but nor do I particularly enjoy them. I'm hoping this is something that will go away! I take heart from a lab assistant I had once who told me that she nearly fainted the first time she put a needle in someone while she was doing her training. If she can do it, I can do it. Right? Right!

Anyway. I won't make this a long post because I am extremely sleep-deprived and want to go to bed as soon as possible. Just felt like making a couple of notes in case I don't get to it this weekend (my weekend, of course, being Wednesday and Thursday).

So, all in all, could be better... but could definitely be worse, and I am extremely grateful that it's not something more serious and that I am able to be there for my love.

Unrelated side note: apparently, the northern lights were visible in our city last night/this morning... of course, the one night that I am actually awake and out of the house, but also the one night in which we are dealing with a crisis! Sigh. I've never seen them! But, one day... one day. That sounds like a valid excuse to visit Norway to me.

Goodnight, friends, and sleep well!

Falling back into step

Good evening, good evening!

It seems I have missed a post for last week... I have been busy and overworked (or it feels that way).

So the staphylococcus poison is all gone, thankfully; now I just have seasonal allergies. The poor Fox has Labyrinthitis now, however. And yes, that is a real disease with terrible symptoms, mainly strong vertigo which can apparently last for weeks or months. Technically it's inflammation of the inner ear resulting from bacterial infection, viral infection, or just strong allergies (we're thinking it was all of his multiple allergies that contributed). He's been off work for a week and a half because of it. Alas!

It's been rather a challenge to keep up with all of the household duties by myself (he has barely been able to stagger around the house). I may have been cranky these past few days. I know he's in no condition to do any cleaning or grocery shopping or anything of the sort, but I remembered that I mostly do that even when he's perfectly fine. Hm. That may have been the cranky-causing thought.

But he does have a horrendously long commute to work, and longer hours than me, so I feel bad assigning him lots of housework. Mostly because he's got so much drive and motivation to work on his passion (game programming!) in his precious spare time. I hate to see a passion like that impaired by housework! Also, I am just a faster and more efficient dishwasher, so it sort of pains me to see him scraping away at pots when I could do it in half the time.

There is the matter of me having time for my own passion... but I have to admit even to myself that if I just stopped faffing around on Facebook so much, I would probably have the time to paint several birds a week. So I don't think I get to complain about not having enough time -- not until I stop wasting it, anyway. Ha!

Speaking of birds and art; one of the reasons for my recent sleep deprivation (I can go to sleep at the drop of a hat, and never wake up in the night unless something is very wrong, so for me sleep deprivation means that I have not had time for sleep) was that I had a deadline for some art. I made an illustration for a little family project my sister is putting together, and of course, being me, I sort of waited until the last minute. Well, no, that's not exactly true... I would have finished much sooner if I hadn't scrapped the first one. It just wasn't working out, though. I was trying to do a tree of life style image, but during the colouring phase it just started to look awful and I'm not sure why. So I needed to come up with a new idea and a new sketch, and get it done in a few days (during which I was, of course, working). Woo! The exciting life of an artist!

I say that, but it did feel good to work on art at night again. Hearkened me back to my university days. Oh, the days of much coffee and nights of glowing screens... the giddy joy that comes from pure exhaustion. I actually don't miss that part too much. But the art-making, I have missed.

I shan't post the finished product here just yet. I have blogs and such for art already; this one just wants to be for writing for a while.

The next step in my application for the community college is happening today at 1pm. The dreaded keyboarding test. As I type this I am attempting to practice touch typing without looking at the keys. It's pretty slow going; fairly sure I'm going to fail the test. Blargh! But failure is good motivation to practice, which I have not been doing... and the assessment fee is a non-refundable $30. Even more motivation! Ha.

I don't have time to go back and revisit my tarot card reading at the moment (I received an audio file of the whole thing from the reader), but I'd like to do that soon; re-listen to it, take some notes, share them here. I will share some observations about the experience though.

Tegan is the name of the lady who did my reading. She works out of her basement suite, in a nice little room set up with a table and decorated with crystals and candles. (In a tasteful way. It wasn't like walking into one of those little tents at a circus or anything. Very professional.) I was greeted by two adorable little dogs, which of course for me is an instant win. She sat me down at the table and gave me some lavender water to drink (I would love to know how she made it -- it was nice and refreshing).

We went through a few different spreads in the hour I was there. The first one was sort of a general look at any current events and trends in my life, and the subsequent ones were focused on more specific questions that I had.

It was a fun experience, and if I were a wealthier lady I would do it more often. Now, being of a mostly scientific mind (I know, I know, a scientific mind would just think it's a load of tosh, which is why I specified mostly scientific -- allow me to have a little fun!), I am not 100% convinced that the cards are completely accurate. However, I do believe in a sort of life energy, and part of what attracts me to the whole pagan-magic-new-age-stuff is the belief that we can learn to use this unseen energy. Perhaps the cards are random, and we divine what we want to see from whatever comes up, relating it to our life... humans are good at finding patterns and seeing faces in tree trunks and that sort of thing, after all... or maybe our energy does slightly seep into the deck and helps to reveal insight. Anything is possible!

If nothing else, it's just fun, dang it. Stop trying to deprive me of a little harmless fun in the form of my silly beliefs about cards.

So, all in all I liked it. I still haven't really tried out my own cards much, but I plan to. Once this application for the college is all sorted out I can spend more time on my little hobbies. And my big hobby, which would be art.

I've been thinking lately of how I can start to get my stuff out there more, build up more of a fan base and hopefully start to sell it in some form. Of course, one needs a more solid body of work than I have now, so I start there. I need to focus on one or two areas of subject matter, I think, and try and find a niche. Fantasy art is my first love; fairies, dragons, the like. It's a popular field, but I do think I can make my own work stand out. I need to work on developing a more cohesive style so that when people look at my work they can instantly tell who did it. Right now my online galleries are a bit of a mish-mash of old school assignments, random illustrations of animals and birds, and a little fan-art based on existing media. What I need is a clear direction to take my work to tie it together and create a solid base.

Right now the things that I love to draw are wildlife (mainly birds) and fantasy related stuff. Perhaps I can combine them...

Hmm...

Funny how just writing something down will sometimes spark an idea, isn't it? This is a good example of why I wanted to start a blog in the first place!

Well, this hasn't been a very cohesive post -- sorry about that. But that kind of it how my brain works. Maybe one day I'll learn to write posts that are more about one topic and less about whatever pops into my head at the time.

Last point: I would really like to build up my blogging network. If anyone is reading this, and you have a blog, or know of some good blogs in the subject of everyday-life sort of stuff, please do leave a comment! I'm not really interested in recipe blogs, product review blogs, or that sort of thing. I want to read blogs about people's everyday lives; their experiences, their dreams, their successes and their hardships. The only one I really know of is Letters from Launna, which is always fun to read.

I'm not doing this with the idea of making money from my blog (although if that happened I obviously wouldn't say no, ha). I would just like to have online friends again, people who like blogging for the sake of it. When I was a teenager I always had all sorts of online friends from various art-related or fantasy-related communities on the internet, and though nothing can replace having excellent real-life friends, I do miss the online connection a bit. It's easier to find people online who are interested in the same things you are (I don't have any friends in real life who are interested in neo-pagan stuff or anything like that), and it's just fun. So don't be afraid to leave a comment if there's anyone out there!

Until next time. Wish me luck on this horrid typing test...!

The slow return of the muse

Merry meet!

Look, I'm doing another weekly post! I astonish myself sometimes. This is a good sign, though, because it feels like I'm getting into a groove. Now I need to make more grooves in my life to get into, because there are some things I have fallen out of the habit of that I really need to get back into. Which brings me to a topic of discussion...

I am slowly beginning to wake up from my artistic hibernation (of several years or more). I'm almost afraid to type it, because I feel like somehow I'm jinxing myself. However! At the same time... this is going to sound slightly insane, but I do feel like some inner voice has told me recently, "You're not gonna escape being an artist, so you might as well stop resisting." Or something like that.

I admit the past couple years I have been resisting being an artist. But why, you ask? Such a waste, you say! Well, who can explain the inner workings of a Fru? I think I felt like I was being pushed into it by everyone around me, so much so that I wasn't even sure it was me who wanted to be an artist or everyone else who wanted me to be one. And you know, when someone tells you it's a waste that you're not using your talent, it kinda feels like they're telling you that you're a waste of life if you're not doing this certain thing. Which hurts, and doesn't even make me want to do it, simply because I (stubborn as I am) hate proving people right.

Not only did I have those troubling thoughts whirling around my head, but I also felt very uninspired. I didn't seem to have the same urge to draw and make art as I used to. When I did want to draw, I wouldn't be able to decide on a subject, or I would pick something and try it, see how rusty I was and how much my skills had deteriorated, and get dejected and give up.

This is still happening, for me, but the reasons I feel a little more inspired these days are thanks to a couple of good people around me who are going through similar troubles and managing to work through it and regain their passion. And, yes, I'm a bit competitive at times... seeing others' successes is good for me because it makes me want to do the same, even if it is through a bit of envy. I have to grab onto whatever motivation I can get, considering the past few years I have denied myself the opportunity to improve and pursue my passion.

I even stopped calling it a passion for a while. I felt like such a failure because of returning to working in retail after graduating from a creative education, that I didn't even want to call it a passion, because calling it that meant that I had stopped pursuing it, and according to society if you stop following your passion you're just a useless drone who gave up on their dreams.

Haha, bitter, eh? I'll try not to be. I've realized now that making a living is often a separate beast from following a passion. Especially if your passion is something like art. We all know it's hard to make a living as an artist -- especially when you go about it the wrong way, as I have been doing. Graphic design has nothing to do with my passion, and neither does doing editorial illustrations on random subjects I don't even really care about.

That doesn't mean I know exactly in what area of expertise my passion lies -- at this point I'm still trying to define it. I mean, I know I'm an artist. I know what I do like, and what I don't like. I know don't like working to other people's requirements. I know I don't like illustrating normal, boring, everyday life scenes for use in magazines or the like. I know I like fantasy and legend and nature and intuition and imagination. I know I like using watercolours, and digitally painting. Do I know how to make a career out of it? No. Do I even think I should? I'm not sure. Not right now, at least, hence the delve into medical lab tech stuff. The priority is getting out of retail, because that there is a soul-draining job and I might as well do something else a little more professional and lucrative as long as I'm still working on my passion. Even if I do find success (I should say when... when I find success) as an artist of some description, the rational part of me likes the idea of having a professional skill set of some sort so that even if I fall on rough times, I don't have to go back to working in a grocery store or a coffee shop (not that there is anything wrong with that -- it's just draining on me personally).

So you see, it is hard being an artist! See? See?

But I finally don't really feel discouraged anymore. I'm getting to be more at peace with my situation, and that means I can start to move forward rather than stay stuck in a little hole of jealousy and bitterness and failure. I can leave that behind and move forward and get my skills back up to snuff and do what I personally feel inspired to do.

On that note, I have a drawing date tomorrow with a new-ish friend. We are going to attend a life drawing session. This friend is a great one for me right now because she has recently realized she has a passion for art as well and is actively working on improving her skills (rather than going to art school -- an excellent choice to do it on your own, if I may say so myself). And that gives me a great motivation to improve my own skills... an art buddy. It's been a long while since I've had an art buddy. I had some in school of course, but many of them went into graphic design, and the ones who were more into the illustration type stuff like me... some of them went into different fields or dropped out of the program or I've just lost touch with, so I haven't really had someone to help me be motivated (and I have needed help in that).

The little competitive side also wants to keep up with her progress, because it would be secretly mad if she improved and I didn't! Rather a petty reason, but hey, I'll take it.

So, I have a long road of improvement ahead, as I really feel my skills have decayed quite a lot... but there's no giving up, because I know what happens if I do that. I'll just be mad at myself again.

And just to be clear, when I say "giving up," what I mean is me stopping doing art. (Is that a grammatically correct sentence? Doubtful...) I don't mean me stopping pursuing art as a career. I recognize that now as the only thing I can do to get back to my actual passion. There are plenty of well-meaning people who are still going to tell me to "do something with my art," meaning, become a goddamn professional artist of some sort because you're wasting your life doing things that aren't THAT, and I'm still going to want to throttle them, but now I can happily ignore them in the knowledge that I AM going to do something with my art -- it's just going to be the something that I personally want to do with it. Not the something that other people feel is right. I tell you I cannot count the number of times that people have told me to illustrate children's books. I've heard it so often it brings me into a fiery rage that burns like a chemical reaction inside my head.

Basically, I hate being told what to do. (Have you picked up on that yet?) And though I know they mean well, it's all I can do to grit my teeth and smile. I know they want me to be happy, but I just feel patronized when people make those sorts of helpful suggestions. It's like... well, yes, I have actually thought of that and it's not something that interests me at this present moment, so thanks all the same for bringing it up every time I see you...

I have to stop this train of thought before it derails itself and careens down into a dark chasm of sarcasm and spite. That would be less than pleasant for my poor unsuspecting non-existent readers. And myself too.

Gotta stop looking back, and start looking forward. Today is the start of my weekend, and I'm going to get some things done!

In more mundane news, I had a run-in with some staphylococcus toxin poisoning the past week. Whee! Yes, there was a recall on a particular brand of hummus that I had bought, and before I realized it, I had eaten most of the container. Whoops.

It was a really weird experience, actually. For the first couple days I thought it was just really, really bad PMS. I had super horrible headaches, felt dizzy and wobbly like I was on a pirate ship in a monsoon, and felt really disgusting in my innards. No actual vomiting or anything, but just a bunch of weird malaise that made me think my womanhood was actively trying to destroy me.

Then I figured out the thing about the recall, and was like... oh. Am I actually sick, or just a woman (heh)? Maybe this isn't PMS. Maybe I have been poisoned. I'd better do something about it. So I called in sick on Monday and went to the clinic (after feeling like death for four days and ignoring it). The doctor said that yes, those symptoms are consistent with staphylococcus toxins. He also said that since it's the toxin produced by bacteria and not the actual bacteria itself, there's not much you can do except wait it out.

He then proceeded to take my blood pressure, temperature, pulse, and listen to my heart in such rapid and silent succession that I thought for sure he was going to suddenly start administering CPR because I was at death's door. (I got a little anxious there.) But it turns out he's just a business-like doctor, as most are, especially those in walk-in clinics.

Anyway, he sent me for some tests just in case. Blood test came back normal, still waiting on the other one (the nature of which it would be impolite to describe in detail). However, I'm starting to feel better -- the massive headaches have all but disappeared, and I did have some more dizziness yesterday, but I'm hoping that will go away soon too.

Exciting stuff.

There's more to talk about (my tarot card reading, which I had last week!) but this post is already way too long for the casual reader to even consider looking at, so I think I'll stop there. I have a mountain of dishes waiting for me in the kitchen (sigh).

Until next time, faithful ghosts!

Progress is made

Merry meet to your faces!

Well, look at that -- it's only been a week since I last posted. I'm getting better at this!

The past week has brought along the promise of change on the horizon for me and my little circle of comrades. As for myself, I managed to finish the biology course I was taking online. Hooray! I didn't really study for the final. I figure I should have learned it right the first time around. Ha. Not a very good reason not to study, but in all honesty I'm a terrible procrastinator, and apparently playing Hearthstone is more important. However! I think the final went well anyway. I do spend a long time learning each lesson to make sure I understand it in the first place, so that kind of sort of maybe negates the need to study a lot? That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.

So that means I can now apply to the course I want to take at community college. I'm going to become a medical laboratory assistant! This involves taking blood samples out of people, collecting other certain bodily fluids... and preparing/organizing the samples for testing. Among other things.

The reasons for doing this are quite a few, including the following: I want to get out of working in retail/customer service as soon as possible; the course is only 6 months and the tuition is strangely affordable; I have heard good things about the job outcomes of the field, meaning I should be able to actually start working as a lab assistant after completing the course; there is the possibility of working in a hospital or clinics or labs; it should be possible to find a casual/part-time position if and when I manage to start making money off my other hobbies and skills (read: art); and finally, if I like the work enough, it provides a good stepping-stone for the job I was originally looking at -- medical laboratory technician. (The people who actually test the samples.)

So, I've taken the first step towards that! I've sent in my online application to the college, but I think I also need to go in and take a keyboarding test. Which might be trouble. I can type fairly quickly but I don't put my fingers on all the right keys like they used to teach us to do when I was in elementary school. (Remember All The Right Type? Ha! "Dad eats alfalfa salad...") They might also need a transcript proving I took Biology 11 & 12. Which I should be able to get soon.

So that's all going according to plan!

As for other change on the horizon... well, nothing too crazy I suppose, but a few of my best friends are considering finding a place together. Which would be fun because then I could visit them all at once. Also, my sister and her family are planning to move away in the fall. Like, halfway across the world away. I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Of course, if that's what she truly wants, then I am most happy for her... and it does give me an excellent excuse to visit a certain tropical island. But I'll miss her and my nieces, though they'll be back to visit for a few months of each year. I'll have to get very good at letter-writing and remembering birthdays! The Fox keeps trying to get me to use the calendar feature in my new phone to remind me of things, but I've been being stubborn and obstinately old-fashioned about it. I still have a paper agenda book, darn it all! Sigh. Perhaps I'll have to get up with the times one of these days.

I have an exciting thing to do today! I'm going to have my tarot cards read for the first time. Since I got my own deck I've been wanting to go to a professional reader to sort of see how they do it; I figure it'll make it a little easier for me to get into it. I have an instructional book that I've been reading, but for some reason I've been a little held back about actually trying it myself. The self-conscious part of me thinks I can't take myself seriously enough to do it properly, and the skeptical part of me thinks it's all a bit silly... but the deep-down part of me really wants to do it all the same.

So, I'm finally using my birthday money to get myself a reading. I did some Googling and found a nice lady nearby who does it from her home, so I'll be heading out pretty soon to go do that. (There's a couple of them around here, but some of them seemed like not what I was looking for. The ones who claim to be able to "help with all problems: money, business, love, luck, hexes..." And the ones who claim to be "Best European psychic!"... Yeah, those kind of make me suspicious. I don't think the tarot cards are about being psychic or providing magic solutions to your issues. The lady I decided to go with seems much more down-to-Earth.) It'll be a nice reward for myself after finishing my course. I want to see what the cards say about my art, too. I really feel at a crossroads about it, and I'm not at all sure where I want to take it, so maybe this will give me some ideas at least, if nothing else. The ritual-loving part of me is going to enjoy the experience, in any case.

If I like it, hopefully it'll inspire me to fiddle around with my own deck more. I'd like to offer readings to friends and family eventually. I know my lovely aunt is first in line, since she is the one who gave me the deck!

It's nice to write in a blog again, friends. You should try it! By the way, if there's anyone out there reading this, please feel free to comment. I would love to build up a little network of blog-friends. I like reading other people's everyday life sort of blogs, but they're a little hard to find. Most of them these days seem to be all about posting daily recipes or hundreds of photos, without having much in the way of actual writing about life in general... which is what I like to read. People's thoughts and feelings and experiences! Share them with me!

Anyway, better go get ready to leave for my tarot card reading. Until next time!

I should be studying

Merry meet to you!

Well, it seems I'm not yet very good at frequent and/or regular posts on this blog. That's fine though. Like I said in the first post, I'm not going to necessarily have a schedule of posting. For now I'm just winging it.

So, I've been reading a couple of other blogs and feeling a bit envious of their style. One in particular is written in such a raw and open manner that one can't help getting emotionally invested in it (or maybe that's just me)! I find myself wanting to do that type of blog post, but at the same time I know it's just not how I write naturally. Since this is my personal blog and no one else's, I don't want to copy anyone. That would just be false!

Thus, you get to read my own pointless ramblings. Ha!

Anyway. Our camping trip was a success! My friend's graduation was a very nice event; set up like a wedding reception, with many tables and a delicious buffet and dancing afterwards and all (though we didn't stay for the dancing). The provincial park we stayed at was gorgeous... a natural temparate rainforest, just as this area of the world was before the European pioneers came along, covered in soft moss and mind-bogglingly giant trees. We came across a beautiful grove on one of our walks that looked suspiciously like it had been used as a ritual spot. I hope so. I know there's a big pagan community on the island...

Speaking of which, both the Fox and I were so pleased with the natural beauty and more relaxed lifestyle that islanders seem to ascribe to that we talked about one day moving over there. I have always thought it might be nice to live there, especially after the past few years as I've been working downtown in the big city here on the mainland (and in one of the most high-class/pretentious neighbourhoods too). It's starting to wear me out, being surrounded by so many people and buildings and all that. I used to think I was a city person, but now I'm not so sure.

Our city is notoriously cold, not in terms of temperature, but in terms of friendliness between strangers and passers-by. It's much more normal to avoid eye contact with others when on public transit, walking down a street, or even walking around the golf course beside our house. In one of the smaller cities we visited on the island, everyone seemed to know each other, and people actually greeted us as we walked by! It was a strange, yet nice feeling. It is certainly more natural than walking silently by someone without looking at them when you are the only two people on the whole block, as is what I do every morning on my way to work.

So we're thinking about that, for the long-term plan. For now, I still plan to attend the community college here (I should really be working on my prerequisite course right now as I only have a couple weeks to finish it), so we'll stay in our current place for the near future.

It's nice, by the way; I realize how lucky I am to have found someone with such similar goals and values in life. We're different enough to have our own identities and interests (I don't quite share his passion for computer programming, and he's not really as into the new agey stuff), but similar enough to be able to enjoy many of the same things (we both thought the new Mad Max movie was freaking awesome, and we are both into video games and art/drawing).

I always thought I would be on my own for the foreseeable future, which I was actually completely fine with (being an introverted hermit artist type and all). However, who am I to say no to something wonderful just because it's not what I expected?

(gets another cup of tea)

I think I left that tea too long. It's black as the inside of a cow. Ah well, as they say in Ireland... On Galway sands they kiss your hands, they kiss your lips at Carney; but by the Lee they drink strong tea, and kiss the stone at Blarney. And of course, since I once lived beside the Lee river in Cork (and indeed, kissed that famous stone in Blarney Castle), I will drink strong tea!

Where was I? Camping. Yes. So overall, a great trip. Not too stressful in the end; I did nearly have a small mental breakdown the night before we left, because there was still so much to do (and the Fox was busy making almond milk and marzipan instead of preparing for our trip... he got to see an angry Fru). However, once we were on our way, everything went mostly smoothly. Thank goodness for the Fox's new phone, which is GPS-capable; I don't know the island very well and we may have gotten quite lost if it weren't for that.

I did get a little wound up over his constant use of the new phone, admittedly, even though the GPS part of it was invaluable. I felt that he shouldn't be checking Twitter and reading programming blogs while we were surrounded by such beautiful nature. The real reason I was irritated by it is that I wanted us to be both together in the moment, so to speak, and I was worried that we were having totally different experiences.

But, I realize that not everyone feels the same way I do about nature and forests and such. For most people it's fun to be in nature, but it doesn't really change their habits or outlook on things. For me it's a bit of a spiritual experience (don't laugh!). I guess that's part of the reason I identify with neo-paganism so much; that's the whole idea behind it, that nature is more or less the basic "life force," or seen as divinity itself. You know that part in Disney's Pocahontas where she says, "But I know every rock and tree and creature / Has a life, has a spirit, has a name"? (Yes, I'm quoting a culturally inaccurate Disney movie... what of it?) It's pretty much like that, or that's how I see things.

Anyway, that's why I got a little cranky about the whole checking-Twitter-in-the-woods thing. But once the Fox explained why he was doing so (he did have a somewhat valid reason) I tried to calm down a bit. I should also not expect everyone else to want to do the same thing as me and have the same experience; that's basically impossible, isn't it? No two people have exactly the same experience, even if they're doing the same thing in the same place at the same time. That's why we write and make art... to try and convey our personal experience.

We still had an amazing time. We went on a couple of hikes, found an amazingly beautiful waterfall, did some fishing (didn't have even a nibble), and had a ridiculous amount of campfire time (S'mores and all). The Canadian experience! It only rained for part of the time...

We managed to get in a visit to my sister and her family, as well. They live very near to the place we were staying, so on our last day we popped in on them before getting the ferry back to the real world. My nieces were only told they were getting a "surprise visitor," so they were very pleased and excited to see their auntie and her companion! I know my sister wishes we could visit more often, and so do I. Unfortunately, it's expensive and time-consuming to make the journey over there, so I can't do it very often. Usually I see them if they're over here for some reason like a family event.

If we end up moving over there, though... that could be nice!

My sister and I are like night and day in some ways (her: Christian, me: heathen pagan type), yet very similar in others (both: love nature, love herbs, love our family). We get along well and enjoy one another's company, and I would really like to be closer so we could get closer, if you know what I mean by that.

I should really stop typing. This is a very rambly and incoherent blog post, I realize. There's not really a point to it besides me having fun typing things.

The trouble with rambling so much is that you don't have a tidy way to wrap up at the end...

Well, I suppose I will just get to work on my course. I'm having my three-day long weekend now, because I had to work solidly over the real long weekend (that was difficult; watching everyone else having a long weekend while I had to go to work). I'm determined to get as far as possible on my course, considering I only have a couple weeks left.

The house is a mess, but homework needs to come first, unfortunately. (I get antsy when things are untidy!) We went to IKEA yesterday and came home with a new desk for the Fox and a new shelving unit to serve as a pantry of sorts, because our kitchen is so tiny that there is hardly any cupboard space). So after putting them together and trying to find somewhere to put the old desk, well, it's a bit of a hurricane zone.

I shall try and ignore it for now. I shall also try to ignore the beautiful, gorgeous, sunny day outside..!! (Yes, yes, I could go to the beach and study, but we both know I wouldn't get anything done there.)

Until next time, non-corporeal readers!